HE SPEAKS OF HIS DESIGN OF FORSAKING THE PROFESSION OF
RHETORIC; OF THE DEATH OF HIS FRIENDS, NEBRIDIUS AND VERECUNDUS;
OF HAVING RECEIVED BAPTISM IN THE THIRTY-THIRD YEAR OF HIS AGE;
AND OF THE VIRTUES AND DEATH OF HIS MOTHER, MONICA.
CHAP. I. HE PRAISES GOD, THE
AUTHOR OF SAFETY, AND JESUS CHRIST, THE REDEEMER, ACKNOWLEDGING
HIS OWN WICKEDNESS.
1. "O LORD, truly I am Thy servant; I am Thy servant, and
the son of Thine handmaid Thou hast loosed my bonds. I will
offer to Thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving."(1) Let my heart and
my tongue praise Thee, and let all my bones say, "Lord, who is
like unto Thee ?"(2) Let them so say, and answer Thou me, and
"say unto my soul, I am Thy salvation."(3) Who am I, and what is
my nature ? How evil have not my deeds been; or if not my deeds,
my words; or if not my words, my will ? But Thou, O Lord, art
good and merciful, and Thy right hand had respect unto the
profoundness of my death, and removed from the bottom of my heart
that abyss of corruption. And this was the result, that I willed
not to do what I willed, and willed to do what thou willedst.(4)
But where, during all those years, and out of what deep and
secret retreat was my free will summoned forth in a moment,
whereby I gave my neck to Thy "easy yoke," and my shoulders to
Thy "light burden,"(5) O Christ Jesus, "my strength. and my
Redeemer"? (6) How sweet did it suddenly become to me to be
without the delights of trifles! And what at one time I feared
to lose, it was now a joy to me to put away.(7) For Thou didst
cast them away from me, Thou true and highest sweetness. Thou
didst cast them away, and instead of thorn didst enter in
Thyself, (8) sweeter than all pleasure, though not to flesh
and blood; brighter than all light, but more veiled than all
mysteries; more exalted than all honour, but not to the exalted
in their own conceits. Now was my soul free from the gnawing
cares of seeking and getting, and of wallowing and exciting the
itch of lust. And I babbled unto Thee my brightness, my riches,
and my health, the Lord my God.
CHAP. II. AS HIS LUNGS WERE
AFFECTED, HE MEDITATES WITHDRAWING HIMSELF FROM PUBLIC
FAVOUR.
2. And it seemed good to me, as before Thee, not
tumultuously to snatch away, but gently to withdraw the service
of my tongue from the talker's trade; that the young, who thought
not on Thy law, nor on Thy peace, but on mendacious follies and
forensic strifes, might no longer purchase at my mouth equipments
for their vehemence. And opportunely there wanted but a few days
unto the Vacation of the Vintage; (9) and I determined to endure
them, in order to leave in the usual way, and, being redeemed by
Thee, no more to return for sale. Our intention then was known
to Thee; but to men excepting our own friends was it not
known. For we had determined among ourselves not to let it get
abroad to any; although Thou hadst given to us, ascending from
the valley of tears,(10) and singing the song of degrees, "sharp
arrows," and destroying coals, against the "deceitful tongue,"
which in giving counsel opposes, and in showing love consumes, as
it is wont to do with its food.
3. Thou hadst penetrated
our hearts with Thy charity, and we carried Thy words fixed, as
it were, in our bowels; and the examples of Thy servant, whom of
black Thou hadst made bright, and of dead, alive, crowded in the
bosom of our thoughts, burned and consumed our heavy torpor, that
we might not topple into the abyss; and they enkindled us
exceedingly, that every breath of the deceitful tongue of the
gainsayer might inflame us the more, not extinguish us.
Nevertheless, because for Thy name's sake which Thou hast
sanctified throughout the earth, this, our vow and purpose, might
also find commenders, it looked like a vaunting of oneself not to
wait for the vacation, now so near, but to leave beforehand a
public profession, and one, too, under general observation; so
that all who looked on this act of mine, and saw how near was the
vintage-time I desired to anticipate, would talk of me a great
deal as if I were trying to appear to be a great person. And
what purpose would it serve that people should consider and
dispute about my intention, and that our good should be evil
spoken of?1
4. Furthermore, this very summer, from too great
literary labour, my lungs (2) began to be weak, and with
difficulty to draw deep breaths; showing by the pains in my chest
that they were affected, and refusing too loud or prolonged
speaking. This had at first been a trial to me, for it compelled
me almost of necessity to lay down that burden of teaching; or,
if I could be cured and become strong again, at least to leave it
off for a while. But when the full desire for leisure, that I
might see that Thou art the Lord,(3) arose, and was confirmed in
me, my God, Thou knowest I even began to rejoice that I had this
excuse ready, and that not a feigned one, which might
somewhat temper the offence taken by those who for their sons'
good wished me never to have the freedom of sons. Full,
therefore, with such joy, I bore it till that period of time had
passed, perhaps it was some twenty days, yet they were
bravely borne; for the cupidity which was wont to sustain part of
this weighty business had departed, and I had remained
overwhelmed had not its place been supplied by patience. Some of
Thy servants, my brethren, may perchance say that I sinned in
this, in that having once fully, and from my heart, entered on
Thy warfare, I permitted myself to sit a single hour in the seat
of falsehood. I will not contend. But hast not Thou, O most
merciful Lord, pardoned and remitted this sin also, with my
others, so horrible and deadly, in the holy water ?
CHAP. III. HE RETIRES TO
THE VILLA OF HIS FRIEND VERECUNDUS, WHO WAS NOT YET A CHRISTIAN,
AND REFERS TO HIS CONVERSION AND DEATH, AS WELL AS THAT OF
NEBRIDIUS.
5. Verecundus was wasted with anxiety at that our happiness,
since he, being most firmly held by his bonds, saw that he would
lose our fellowship. For he was not yet a Christian, though his
wife was one of the faithful; (4) and yet hereby, being more
firmly enchained than by anything else, was he held back from
that journey which we had commenced. Nor, he declared, did he
wish to be a Christian on any other terms than those that were
impossible. However, he invited us most courteously to make use
of his country house so long as we should stay there. Thou, O
Lord, wilt "recompense" him for this "at the resurrection of the
just,"(5) seeing that Thou hast already given him "the lot of the
righteous."(6) For although, when we were absent at Rome, he,
being overtaken with bodily sickness, and therein being made a
Christian, and one of the faithful, departed this life, yet hadst
Thou mercy on him, and not on him only, but on us also; (7) lest,
thinking on the exceeding kindness of our friend to us, and
unable to count him in Thy flock, we should be tortured with
intolerable grief. Thanks be unto Thee, our God, we are Thine.
Thy exhortations, consolations, and faithful promises assure us
that Thou now repayest Verecundus for that country house at
Cassiacum, where from the fever of the world we found rest in
Thee, with the perpetual freshness of Thy Paradise, in that Thou
hast forgiven him his earthly sins, in that mountain flowing with
milk, (8) that fruitful mountain, Thine own.
6. He then
was at that time full of grief; but Nebridius was joyous.
Although he also, not being yet a Christian, had fallen into the
pit of that most pernicious error of believing Thy Son to be a
phantasm,(9) yet, coming out thence, he held the same belief that
we did; not as yet initiated in any of the sacraments of Thy
Church, but a most earnest inquirer after truth. Whom, not long
after our conversion and regeneration by Thy baptism, he being
also a faithful member of the Catholic Church, and serving Thee
in perfect chastity and continency amongst his own people in
Africa, when his whole household had been brought to Christianity
through him, didst Thou release from the flesh; and now he lives
in Abraham's bosom. Whatever that may be which is signified by
that bosom, there lives my Nebridius, my sweet friend, Thy son, O
Lord, adopted of a freedman; there he liveth. For what other
place could there be for such a soul? There liveth he,
concerning which he used to ask me much, me, an inexperienced,
feeble one. Now he puts not his ear unto my mouth, but his
spiritual mouth unto Thy fountain, and drinketh as much as he is
able, wisdom according to his desire, happy without end. Nor
do I believe that he is so inebriated with it as to forget me,
seeing Thou, O Lord, whom he drinketh, art mindful of us. Thus,
then, were we comforting the sorrowing Verecundus (our friendship
being untouched, concerning our conversion, and exhorting him to
a faith according to his condition, I mean, his married state.
And tarrying for Nebridius to follow us, which being so near, he
was just about to do, when, behold, those days passed over at
last; for long and many they seemed, on account of my love of
easeful liberty, that I might sing unto Thee from my very marrow.
My heart said unto Thee, I have sought Thy face; "Thy face,
Lord, will I seek."
CHAP. IV. IN THE COUNTRY HE
GIVES HIS ATTENTION TO LITERATURE, AND EXPLAINS THE FOURTH PSALM
IN CONNECTION WITH THE HAPPY CONVERSION OF ALYPIUS. HE IS
TROUBLED WITH TOOTHACHE.
7. And the day arrived on which, in very deed, I was to be
released from the Professorship of Rhetoric, from which in
intention I had been already released. And done it was; and Thou
didst deliver my tongue whence Thou hadst already delivered my
heart; and full of joy I blessed Thee for it, and retired with
all mine to the villa.(5) What I accomplished here in writing,
which was now wholly devoted to Thy service, though still, in
this pause as it were, panting from the school of pride, my books
testify,(6) those in which I disputed with my friends, and
those with myself alone (7) before Thee; and what with the absent
Nebridius, my letters (8) testify. And when can I find time to
recount all Thy great benefits which Thou bestowedst upon us at
that time, especially as I am hasting on to still greater
mercies? For my memory calls upon me, and pleasant it is to me,
O Lord, to confess unto Thee, by what inward goads Thou didst
subdue me, and how Thou didst make me low, bringing down the
mountains and hills of my imaginations, and didst straighten my
crookedness, and smooth my rough ways; (9) and by what means Thou
also didst subdue that brother of my heart, Alypius, unto the
name of Thy only-begotten, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ,
which he at first refused to have inserted in our writings. For
he rather desired that they should savour of the "cedars" of the
schools, which the Lord hath now broken down,(10) than of the
wholesome herbs of the Church, hostile to serpents.
8. What
utterances sent I up unto Thee, my God, when I read the Psalms of
David, those faithful songs and sounds of devotion which exclude
all swelling of spirit, when new to Thy true love, at rest in the
villa with Alypius, a catechumen like myself, my mother cleaving
unto us, in woman's garb truly, but with a man's faith, with
the peacefulness of age, full of motherly love and Christian
piety! What utterances used I to send up unto Thee in those
Psalms, and how was I inflamed towards Thee by them, and burned
to rehearse them, if it were possible, throughout the whole
world, against the pride of the human race ! And yet they are
sung throughout the whole world, and none can hide himself from
Thy heat.(1) With what vehement and bitter sorrow was I indignant
at the Manichaeans; whom yet again I pitied, for that they were
ignorant of those sacraments, those medicaments, and were mad
against the antidote which might have made them sane! I wished
that they had been somewhere near me then, and, without my being
aware of their presence, could have beheld my face, and heard my
words, when I read the fourth Psalm in that time of my leisure, how that Psalm wrought upon me. When I called upon Thee, Thou
didst hear me, O God of my righteousness; Thou hast enlarged me
when I was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear my prayer.
(2) Oh that they might have heard what I uttered on these words,
without my knowing whether they heard or no, lest they should
think that I spake it because of them ! For, of a truth, neither
should I have said the same things, nor in the way I said them,
if I had perceived that I was heard and seen by them; and had I
spoken them, they would not so have received them as when I spake
by and for myself before Thee, out of the private feelings of my
soul.
9. I alternately quaked with fear, and warmed with
hope, and with rejoicing in Thy mercy, O Father. And all these
passed forth, both by mine eyes and voice, when Thy good Spirit,
turning unto us, said, O ye sons of men, how long will ye be slow
of heart? "How long will ye love vanity, and seek after leasing
?"(3) For I had loved vanity, and sought after leasing. And
Thou, O Lord, hadst already magnified Thy Holy One, raising Him
from the dead, and setting Him at Thy right hand, (4) whence from
on high He should send His promise, (5) the Paraclete, "the
Spirit of Truth."(6) And He had already sent Him, (7) but I knew
it not; He had sent Him, because He was now magnified, rising
again from the dead, and ascending into heaven. For till then
"the Holy Ghost was not yet given, because that Jesus was not yet
glorified."(8) And the prophet cries out, How long will ye be
slow of heart? How long will ye love vanity, and seek after
leasing ? Know this, that the Lord hath magnified His Holy One.
He cries out, "How long ?" He cries out, "Know this," and I, so
long ignorant, "loved vanity, and sought after leasing." And
therefore I heard and trembled, because these words were spoken
unto such as I remembered that I myself had been. For in those
phantasms which I once held for truths was there "vanity" and
"leasing." And I spake many things loudly and earnestly, in the
sorrow of my remembrance, which, would that they who yet "love
vanity and seek after leasing" had heard! They would perchance
have been troubled, and have vomited it forth, and Thou wouldest
hear them when they cried unto Thee; (9) for by a true (10) death
in the flesh He died for us, who now maketh intercession for us
(11) with Thee.
10. I read further, "Be ye angry, and sin
not."(12) And how was I moved, O my God, who had now learned to
"be angry" with myself for the things past, so that in the future
I might not sin! Yea, to be justly angry; for that it was not
another nature of the race of darkness (13) which sinned for me,
as they affirm it to be who are not angry with themselves, and
who treasure up to themselves wrath against the day of wrath, and
of the revelation of Thy righteous judgment. (14) Nor were my
good things (15) now without, nor were they sought after with
eyes of flesh in that sun; (16) for they that would have joy from
without easily sink into oblivion, and are wasted upon those
things which are seen and temporal, and in their starving
thoughts do lick their very shadows. Oh, if only they were
wearied out with their fasting, and said, "Who will show us any
good?"(17) And we would answer, and they hear, O Lord. The light
of Thy countenance is lifted up upon us.(18) For we are not that
Light, which lighteth every man,(19) but we are enlightened by
Thee, that we, who were sometimes darkness, may be light in
Thee.(20) Oh that they could behold the internal Eternal,(21)
which having tasted I gnashed my teeth that I could not show It
to them, while they brought me their heart in their eyes, roaming
abroad from Thee, and said, "Who will show us any good ?" But
there, where I was angry with myself in my chamber, where I was
inwardly pricked, where I had offered my "sacrifice," slaying my
old man, and beginning the resolution of a new life, putting my
trust in Thee,(22) there hadst Thou begun to grow sweet unto
me, and to "put gladness in my heart."(1) And I cried out as I
read this outwardly, and felt it inwardly. Nor would I be
increased (2) with worldly goods, wasting time and being wasted
by time; whereas I possessed in Thy eternal simplicity other
corn, and wine, and oil.(3)
11. And with a loud cry from my
heart, I called out in the following verse, "Oh, in peace!" and
"the self-same!"(4) Oh, what said he, "I will lay me down and
sleep!"(5) For who shall hinder us, when "shall be brought to
pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in
victory?"(6) And Thou art in the highest degree "the self-same,"
who changest not; and in Thee is the rest which forgetteth all
labour, for there is no other beside Thee, nor ought we to seek
after those many other things which are not what Thou art; but
Thou, Lord, only makest me to dwell in hope.(7) These things I
read, and was inflamed; but discovered not what to do with those
deaf and dead, of whom I had been a pestilent member, a bitter
and a blind declaimer against the writings be-honied with the
honey of heaven and luminous with Thine own light; and I was
consumed on account of the enemies of this Scripture.
12.
When shall I call to mind all that took place in those holidays?
Yet neither have I forgotten, nor will I be silent about the
severity of Thy scourge, and the amazing quickness of Thy mercy.
(8) Thou didst at that time torture me with toothache; (9) and
when it had become so exceeding great that I was not able to
speak, it came into my heart to urge all my friends who were
present to pray for me to Thee, the God of all manner of health.
And I wrote it down on wax,(10) and gave it to them to read.
Presently, as with submissive desire we bowed our knees, that
pain departed. But what pain? Or how did it depart? I confess
to being much afraid, my Lord my God, seeing that from my
earliest years I had not experienced such pain. And Thy purposes
were profoundly impressed upon me; and, rejoicing in faith, I
praised Thy name. And that faith suffered me not to be at rest
in regard to my past sins, which were not yet forgiven me by Thy
baptism.
CHAP. V. AT THE
RECOMMENDATION OF AMBROSE, HE READS THE PROPHECIES OF ISAIAH, BUT
DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THEM.
13. The vintage vacation being ended, I gave he citizens of
Milan notice that they might provide their scholars with another
seller of words; because both of my election to serve Thee, and
my inability, by reason of the difficulty of breathing and the
pain in my chest, to continue the Professorship. And by letters
I notified to Thy bishop,(11) the holy man Ambrose, my former
errors and present resolutions, with a view to his advising me
which of Thy books it was best for me to read, so that I might be
readier and fitter for the reception of such great grace. He
recommended Isaiah the Prophet;(12) I believe, because he
foreshows more clearly than others the gospel, and the calling of
the Gentiles. But I, not understanding the first portion of the
book, and imagining the whole to be like it, laid it aside,
intending to take it up hereafter, when better practised in our
Lord's words.
CHAP. VI. HE IS BAPTIZED AT
MILAN WITH ALYPIUS AND HIS SON ADEODATUS. THE BOOK "DE
MAGISTRO."
14. Thence, when the time had arrived at
which I was to give in my name,(13) having left the country, we
returned to Milan. Alypius also was pleased to be born again
with me in Thee, being now clothed with the humility appropriate
to Thy sacraments, and being so brave a tamer of the body, as
with unusual fortitude to tread the frozen soil of Italy with his
naked feet. We took into our company the boy Adeodatus, born of
me carnally, of my sin. Well hadst Thou made him. He was barely
fifteen years, yet in wit excelled many grave and learned men.(1)
I confess unto Thee Thy gifts, O Lord my God, Creator of all, and
of exceeding power to reform our deformities; for of me was there
naught in that boy but the sin. For that we fostered him in Thy
discipline, Thou inspiredst us, none other, Thy gifts I
confess unto Thee. There is a book of ours, which is entitled
The Master. (2) It is a dialogue between him and me. Thou
knowest that all things there put into the mouth of the person in
argument with me were his thoughts in his sixteenth year. Many
others more wonderful did I find in him. That talent was a
source of awe to me. And who but Thou could be the worker of
such marvels? Quickly didst Thou remove his life from the earth;
and now I recall him to mind with a sense of security, in that I
fear nothing for his childhood or youth, or for his whole self.
We took him coeval with us in Thy grace, to be educated in Thy
discipline; and we were baptized,(3) and solicitude about our
past life left us. Nor was I satiated in those days with the
wondrous sweetness of considering the depth of Thy counsels
concerning the salvation of the human race. How greatly did I
weep in Thy hymns and canticles, deeply moved by the voices of
Thy sweet-speaking Church! The voices flowed into mine ears, and
the truth was poured forth into my heart, whence the agitation of
my piety overflowed, and my tears ran over, and blessed was I
therein.
CHAP. VII. OF THE CHURCH HYMNS INSTITUTED AT MILAN; OF THE AMBROSIAN
PERSECUTION RAISED BY JUSTINA; AND OF THE DISCOVERY OF THE BODIES OF TWO
MARTYRS.
15. Not long had the Church of Milan begun to employ this
kind of consolation and exhortation, the brethren singing
together with great earnestness of voice and heart. For it was
about a year, or not much more, since Justina, the mother of the
boy-Emperor Valentinian, persecuted (4) Thy servant Ambrose in
the interest of her heresy, to which she had been seduced by the
Arians. The pious people kept guard in the church, prepared to
die with their bishop, Thy servant. There my mother, Thy
handmaid, bearing a chief part of those cares and watchings,
lived in prayer. We, still unmelted by the heat of Thy Spirit,
were yet moved by the astonished and disturbed city. At this
time it was instituted that, after the manner of the Eastern
Church, hymns and psalms should be sung, lest the people should
pine away in the tediousness of sorrow; which custom, retained
from then till now, is imitated by many, yea, by almost all of
Thy congregations throughout the rest of the world.
16.
Then didst Thou by a vision make known to Thy renowned bishop (5)
the spot where lay the bodies of Gervasius and Protasius, the
martyrs (whom Thou hadst in Thy secret storehouse preserved
uncorrupted for so many years), whence Thou mightest at the
fitting time produce them to repress the feminine but royal fury.
For when they were revealed and dug up and with due honour
transferred to the Ambrosian Basilica, not only they who were
troubled with unclean spirits (the devils confessing themselves)
were healed, but a certain man also, who had been blind (6) many
years, a well-known citizen of that city, having asked and been
told the reason of the people's tumultuous joy, rushed forth,
asking his guide to lead him thither. Arrived there, he begged
to be permitted to touch with his handkerchief the bier of Thy
saints, whose death is precious in Thy sight. When he had done
this, and put it to his eyes, they were forthwith opened. Thence
did the fame spread; thence did Thy praises burn, shine;
thence was the mind of that enemy, though not yet enlarged to the
wholeness of believing, restrained from the fury of persecuting.
Thanks be to Thee, O my God. Whence and whither hast Thou thus
led my remembrance, that I should confess these things also unto
Thee, great, though I, forgetful, had passed them over? And yet
then, when the "savour" of Thy "ointments" was so fragrant, did
we not "run after Thee."(1) And so I did the more abundantly weep
at the singing of Thy hymns, formerly panting for Thee, and at
last breathing in Thee, as far as the air can play in this house
of grass.
CHAP. VIII. OF THE
CONVERSION OF EVODIUS, AND THE DEATH OF HIS MOTHER WHEN RETURNING
WITH HIM TO AFRICA; AND WHOSE EDUCATION HE TENDERLY RELATES.
17. Thou, who makest men to dwell of one mind in a house,
didst associate with us Evodius also, a young man of our city,
who, when serving as an agent for Public Affairs, was converted
unto Thee and baptized prior to us; and relinquishing his secular
service, prepared himself for Thine. We were together, (4) and
together were we about to dwell with a holy purpose. We sought
for some place where we might be most useful in our service to
Thee, and were going back together to Africa. And when we were
at the Tiberine Ostia my mother died. Much I omit, having much
to hasten. Receive my confessions and thanksgivings, O my God,
for innumerable things concerning which I am silent. But I will
not omit aught that my soul has brought forth as to that Thy
handmaid who brought me forth, in her flesh, that I might be
born to this temporal light, and in her heart, that I might be
born to life eternal? I will speak not of her gifts, but Thine
in her; for she neither made herself nor educated herself. Thou
createdst her, nor did her father nor her mother know what a
being was to proceed from them. And it was the rod of Thy
Christ, the discipline of Thine only Son, that trained her in Thy
fear, in the house of one of Thy faithful ones, who was a sound
member of Thy Church. Yet this good discipline did she not: so
much attribute to the diligence of her mother, I as that of a
certain decrepid maid-servant, who had carried about her father
when an infant, as i little ones are wont to be carried on the
backs: of elder girls. For which reason, and on account of her
extreme age and very good character, was she much respected by
the heads of that Christian house. Whence also was committed to
her the care of her master's daughters, which she with diligence
performed, and was earnest in restraining them when necessary,
with a holy severity, and instructing them with a sober sagacity.
For, excepting at the hours in which they were very temperately
fed at their parents' table, she used not to permit them, though
parched with thirst, to drink even water; thereby taking
precautions against an evil custom, and adding the wholesome
advice, "You drink water only because you have not control of
wine; but when you have come to be married, and made mistresses
of storeroom and cellar, you will despise water, but the habit of
drinking will remain." By this method of instruction, and power
of command, she restrained the longing of their tender age, and
regulated the very thirst of the girls to such a becoming limit,
as that what was not seemly they did not long for.
18. And
yet as Thine handmaid related to me, her son there had stolen
upon her a love of wine. For when she, as being a sober maiden,
was as usual bidden by her parents to :draw wine from the cask,
the vessel being held under the opening, before she poured the
wine into the bottle, she would wet the tips of her lips with a
little, for more than that her inclination refused. For this she
did not from any craving for drink, but out of the overflowing
buoyancy of her time of life, which bubbles up with sportiveness,
and is, in youthful spirits, wont to be repressed by the gravity
of elders. And so unto that little, adding daily littles (for
"he that contemneth small things shall fall by little and
little,(6) she contracted such a habit as, to drink off eagerly
her little cup nearly full of wine. Where, then, was the
sagacious old woman with her earnest restraint ? Could anything
prevail against a secret disease if Thy medicine, O Lord, did not
watch over us? Father, mother, and nurturers absent, Thou
present, who hast created, who callest, who also by those who are
set over us workest some good for the salvation of our souls,
what didst Thou at that time, O my God ? How didst Thou heal her
? How didst Thou make her whole ? Didst Thou not out of another
woman's soul evoke a hard and bitter insult, as a surgeon's knife
from Thy secret store, and with one thrust remove all that
putrefaction?x For the maidservant who used to accompany her to
the cellar, falling out, as it happens, with her little mistress,
when she was alone with her, cast in her teeth this vice, with
very bitter insult, calling her a "wine-bibber." Stung by this
taunt, she perceived her foulness, and immediately condemned and
renounced it. Even as friends by their flattery pervert, so do
enemies by their taunts often correct us. Yet Thou renderest not
unto them what Thou dost by them, but what was proposed by them.
For she, being angry, desired to irritate her young mistress, not
to cure her; and did it in secret, either because the time and
place of the dispute found them thus, or perhaps lest she herself
should be exposed to danger for disclosing it so late. But Thou,
Lord, Governor of heavenly and earthly things, who convertest to
Thy purposes the deepest torrents, and disposest the turbulent
current of the ages, (2) healest one soul by the unsoundness of
another; lest any man, when he remarks this, should attribute it
unto his own power if another, whom he wishes to be reformed, is
so through a word of his.
CHAP. IX. HE DESCRIBES THE
PRAISEWORTHY HABITS OF HIS MOTHER; HER KINDNESS TOWARDS HER
HUSBAND AND HER SONS.
19. Being thus modestly and soberly trained, and rather made
subject by Thee to her parents, than by her parents to Thee, when
she had arrived at a marriageable age, she was given to a husband
whom she served as her lord. And she busied herself to gain him
to Thee, preaching Thee unto him by her behaviour; by which Thou
madest her fair, and reverently amiable, and admirable unto her
husband. For she so bore the wronging of her bed as never to
have any dissension with her husband on account of it. For she
waited for Thy mercy upon him, that by believing in Thee he might
become chaste. And besides this, as he was earnest in
friendship, so was he violent in anger; but she had learned that
an angry husband should not be resisted, neither in deed, nor
even in word. But so soon as he was grown calm and tranquil, and
she saw a fitting moment, she would give him a reason for her
conduct, should he have been excited without cause. In short,
while many matrons, whose husbands were more gentle, carried the
marks of blows on their dishonoured faces, and would in private
conversation blame the lives of their husbands, she would blame
their tongues, monishing them gravely, as if in jest: "That from
the hour they heard what are called the matrimonial tablets read
to them, they should think of them as instruments whereby they
were made servants; so, being always mindful of their condition,
they ought :not to set themselves in opposition to their lords."
And when they, knowing what a furious husband she endured,
marvelled that it had never been reported, nor appeared by any
indication, that Patricius had beaten his wife, or that there had
been any domestic strife between them, even for a day, and asked
her in confidence the reason of this, she taught them her rule,
which I have mentioned above. They who observed it experienced
the wisdom of it, and rejoiced; those who observed it not were
kept in subjection, and suffered.
20. Her mother-in-law,
also, being at first prejudiced against her by the whisperings of
evil-disposed servants, she so conquered by submission,
persevering in it with patience and meekness, that she
voluntarily disclosed to her son the tongues of the meddling
servants, whereby the domestic peace between herself and her
daughter-in-law had been agitated, begging him to punish them for
it. When, therefore, he had in conformity with his mother's
wish, and with a view to the discipline of his family, and to
ensure the future harmony of its members corrected with stripes
those discovered, according to the will of her who had discovered
them, she promised a similar reward to any who, to please her,
should say anything evil to her of her daughter-in-law. And,
none now daring to do so, they lived together with a wonderful
sweetness of mutual good-will.
21. This great gift Thou
bestowedst also, my God, my mercy, upon that good handmaid of
Thine, out of whose womb Thou createdst me, even that, whenever
she could, she showed herself such a peacemaker between any
differing and discordant spirits, that when she had heard on both
sides most bitter things, such as swelling and undigested discord
is wont to give vent to, when the crudities of enmities are
breathed out in bitter speeches to a present friend against an
absent enemy, she would disclose nothing about the one unto the
other, save what might avail to their reconcilement. A small
good this might seem to me, did I not know to my sorrow countless
persons, who, through some horrible and far-spreading infection
of sin, not only disclose to enemies mutually enraged the things
said in passion against each other, but add some things that were
never spoken at all; whereas, to a generous man, it ought to seem
a small thing not to incite or increase the enmities of men by
ill-speaking, unless he endeavour likewise by kind words to
extinguish them. Such a one was she, Thou, her most intimate
Instructor, teaching her in the school of her heart.
22.
Finally, her own husband, now towards the end of his earthly
existence, did she gain over unto Thee; and she had not to
complain of that in him, as one of the faithful, which, before he
became so, she had endured. She was also the servant of Thy
servants. Whosoever of them knew her, did in her much magnify,
honour, and love Thee; for that through the testimony of the
fruits of a holy conversation, they perceived Thee to be present
in her heart. For she had "been the wife of one man," had
requited her parents, had guided her house piously, was "well-
reported of for good works," had "brought up children," as often
travailing in birth of them (2) as she saw them swerving from
Thee. Lastly, to all of us, O Lord (since of Thy favour Thou
sufferest Thy ! servants to speak), who, before her sleeping in
Thee,a lived associated together, having received the grace of
Thy baptism, did she devote, care such as she might if she had
been mother of us all; served us as if she had been child of all.
CHAP. X. A CONVERSATION HE
HAD WITH HIS MOTHER CONCERNING THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN.
23. As the day now approached on which she was to depart
this life (which day Thou knewest, we did not), it fell out
Thou, as I believe, by Thy secret ways arranging it that she and
I stood alone, leaning in a certain window, from which the garden
of the house we occupied at Ostia could be seen; at which place,
removed from the crowd, we were resting ourselves for the voyage,
after the fatigues of a long journey. We then were conversing
alone very pleasantly; and, "forgetting those things which are
behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are
before,"(4) we were seeking between ourselves in the presence of
the Truth, which Thou art, of what nature the eternal life of the
saints would be, which eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither
hath entered into the heart of man.(5) But yet we opened wide the
mouth of our heart, after those supernal streams of Thy fountain,
"the fountain of life," which is "with Thee; " (8) that being
sprinkled with it according to our i capacity, we might in some
measure weigh so high a mystery.
24. And when our
conversation had arrived at that point, that the very highest
pleasure of the carnal senses, and that in the very brightest
material light, seemed by reason of the sweetness of that life
not only not worthy of comparison, but not even of mention, we,
lifting ourselves with a more ardent affection towards "the
Selfsame," (7) did gradually pass through all corporeal things,
and even the heaven itself, whence sun, and moon, and stars shine
upon the earth; tea, we soared higher yet by inward musing, and
discoursing, and admiring Thy works; and we came to our own
minds, and went beyond them, that we might advance as high as
that region of unfailing plenty, where Thou feedest israel (8)
for ever with the food of truth, and where life is that Wisdom by
whom all these things are made, both which have been, and which
are to come; and she is not made, but is as she hath been, and so
shall ever be; yea, rather, to "haVe been," and "to be
hereafter," are not in her, but only "to be," seeing she is
eternal, for to "have been" and "to be hereafter" are not
eternal. And while we were thus speaking, and straining after
her, we slightly touched her with the whole effort of our heart;
and we sighed, and there left bound "the first-fruits of the
Spirit; " (9) and returned to the noise of our own mouth, where
the word uttered has both beginning and end. And what is like
unto Thy Word, our Lord, who remaineth in Himself without
becoming old, and "maketh all things new" ?10
25. We were
saying, then, If to any man the tumult of the flesh were
silenced, silenced the phantasies of earth, waters, and air,
silenced, too, the poles; yea, the very soul be silenced to
herself, and go beyond herself by not thinking of herself,
silenced fancies and imaginary revelations, every tongue, and
every sign, and whatsoever exists by passing away, since, if any
could hearken, all these say, "We created not ourselves, but were
created by Him who abideth for ever:" If, having uttered this,
they now should be silenced, having only quickened our ears to
Him who created them, and He alone speak not by them, but by
Himself, that we may hear His word, not by fleshly tongue, nor
angelic voice, nor sound of thunder, nor the obscurity of a
similitude, but might hear Him Him whom in these we love
without these, like as we two now strained ourselves, and with
rapid thought touched on that Eternal Wisdom which remaineth over
all. If this could be sustained, and other visions of a far
different kind be withdrawn, and this one ravish, and absorb, and
envelope its beholder amid these inward joys, so that his life
might be eternally like that one moment of knowledge which we now
sighed after, were not this "Enter thou into the joy of Thy
Lord"?(1) And when shall that be ? When we shall all rise again;
but all shall not be changed?
26. Such things was I saying;
and if not after this manner, and in these words, yet, Lord, Thou
knowest, that in that day when we were talking thus, this world
with all its delights grew contemptible to us, even while we
spake. Then said my mother, "Son, for myself, I have no longer
any pleasure in aught in this life. What I want here further,
and why I am here, I know not, now that my hopes in this world
are satisfied. There was indeed one thing for which I wished to
tarry a little in this life, and that was that I might see thee a
Catholic Christian before I died? My God has exceeded this
abundantly, so that I see thee despising all earthly felicity,
made His servant, what do I here ?"
CHAP. XI. HIS MOTHER,
ATTACKED BY FEVER, DIES AT OSTIA.
27. What reply I
made unto her to these things I do not well remember. However,
scarcely five days after, or not much more, she was prostrated by
fever; and while she was sick, she one day sank into a swoon, and
was for a short time unconscious of visible things. We hurried
up to her; but she soon regained her senses, and gazing on me and
my brother as we stood by her, she said to us inquiringly, "Where
was I?" Then looking intently at us stupefied with grief, "Here,"
saith she, "shall you bury your mother." I was silent, and
refrained from weeping; but my brother said something, wishing
her, as the happier lot, to die in her own country and not
abroad. She, when she heard this, with anxious countenance
arrested him with her eye, as savouring of such things, and then
gazing at me, "Behold," saith she, "what he saith;" and soon i
after to us both she saith, "Lay this body anywhere, let not the
care for it trouble you at all. This only I ask, that you will
remember me at the Lord's altar, wherever you be." And when she
had given forth this opinion in such words as she could, she was
silent, being in pain with her increasing sickness.
28.
But, as I reflected on Thy gifts, O thou invisible God, which
Thou instillest into the hearts of Thy faithful ones, whence such
marvellous fruits do spring, I did rejoice and give thanks unto
Thee, calling to mind what I knew before, how she had ever burned
with anxiety respecting her burial-place, which she had provided
and prepared for herself by the body of her husband. For as they
had lived very peacefully together, her desire had also been (so
little is the human mind capable of grasping things divine) that
this should be added to that happiness, and be talked of among
men, that after her wandering beyond the sea, it had been granted
her that they both, so united on earth, should lie in the same
grave. But when this uselessness had, through the bounty of Thy
goodness, begun to be no longer in her heart, I knew not, and I
was full of joy admiring what she had thus disclosed to me;
though indeed in that our conversation in the window also, when
she said, "What do I here any longer ?" she appeared not to
desire to die in her own country. I heard afterwards, too, that
at the time we were at Ostia, with a maternal confidence she one
day, when I was absent, was speaking with certain of my friends
on the contemning of this life, and the blessing of death; and
when they amazed at the courage which Thou hadst given to her, a
woman asked her whether she did not dread leaving her body at
such a distance from her own city, she replied, "Nothing is far
to God; nor need I fear lest He should be ignorant at the end of
the world of the place whence He is to raise me up." On the
ninth day, then, of her sickness, the fifty-sixth year of her
age, and the thirty-third of mine, was that religious and devout
soul set free from the body.
CHAP. XII. HOW HE MOURNED
HIS DEAD MOTHER.
29. I closed her eyes; and there
flowed a great sadness into my heart, and it was passing into
tears, when mine eyes at the same time, by the violent control of
my mind, sucked back the fountain dry, and woe was me in such a
struggle ! But, as soon as she breathed her last the boy
Adeodatus burst out into wailing, but, being checked by us all,
he became quiet. In like manner also my own childish feeling,
which was, through the youthful voice of my heart, finding escape
in tears, was restrained and silenced. For we did not consider
it fitting to celebrate that funeral with tearful plaints and
groanings; (1) for on such wise are they who die unhappy, or are
altogether dead, wont to be mourned. But she neither died
unhappy, nor did she altogether die. For of this were we assured
by the witness of her good conversation her "faith unfeigned,"(2)
and other sufficient grounds.
3o. What, then, was that
which did grievously pain me within, but the newly-made wound,
from having that most sweet and dear habit of living together
suddenly broken off ? I was full of joy indeed in her testimony,
when, in that her last illness, flattering my dutifulness,: she
called me "kind," and recalled, with great affection of love,
that she had never heard any harsh or reproachful sound come out
of my mouth against her. But yet, O my God, who madest us, how
can the honour which I paid to her be compared with her slavery
for me ? As, then, I was left destitute of so great comfort in
her, my soul was stricken, and that life torn apart as it were,
which, of hers and mine together, had been made but one.
31.
The boy then being restrained from weeping, Evodius took up the
Psalter, and began to sing the whole house responding the
Psalm, "I will sing of mercy and judgment: unto Thee, O Lord." a
But when they heard what we were doing, many brethren and
religious women came together; and whilst they whose office it
was were, according to custom, making ready for the funeral, I,
in a part of the house where I conveniently could, together with
those who thought that I ought not to be left alone, discoursed
on what was suited to the occasion; and by this alleviation of
truth mitigated the anguish known unto Thee they being
unconscious of it, listened intently, and thought me to be devoid
of any sense of sorrow. But in Thine ears, where none of them
heard, did I blame the softness of my feelings, and restrained
the flow of my grief, which yielded a little unto me; but the
paroxysm returned again, though not so as to burst forth into
tears, nor to a change of countenance, though I knew what I
repressed in my heart. And as I was exceedingly annoyed that
these human things had such power over me, (4) which in the due
order and destiny of our natural condition must of necessity come
to pass, with a new sorrow I sorrowed for my sorrow, and was
wasted by a twofold sadness.
32. So, when the body was
carried forth, we both went and returned without tears. For
neither in those prayers which we poured forth unto Thee when the
sacrifice of our redemption (5) was offered up unto Thee for her,
the dead body being now placed by the side of the grave, as the
custom there is, prior to its being laid therein, neither in
their prayers did I shed tears; yet was I most grievously sad in
secret all the day, and with a troubled mind entreated Thee, as I
was able, to heal my sorrow, but Thou didst not; fixing, I
believe, in my memory by this one lesson the power of the bonds
of all habit, even upon a mind which now feeds not upon a
fallacious word. It appeared to me also a good thing to go and
bathe, I having heard that the bath [balneum] took its name from
the Greek balaneton, because it drives trouble
from the mind. Lo, this also I confess unto Thy mercy, "Father
of the fatherless," (6) that I bathed, and felt the same as
before I had done so. For the bitterness of my grief exuded not
from my heart. Then I slept, and on awaking found my grief not a
little mitigated; and as I lay alone upon my bed, there came into
my mind those true verses of Thy Ambrose, for Thou art " Deus
creator omnium, Pollque rector, vesfiens Diem decon [umine,
Noctem sopon gratia; Artus solutos ut quies Reddat laboris usui,
Mentesque fessas a|levet, Luctusque solvat. anxios." 1
33. And then little by little did I bring back my former
thoughts of Thine handmaid, her devout conversation towards Thee,
her holy tenderness and attentiveness towards us, which was
suddenly taken away from me; and it was pleasant to me to weep in
Thy sight, for her and for me, concerning her and concerning
myself. And I set free the tears which before I repressed, that
they might flow at their will, spreading them beneath my heart;
and it rested in them, for Thy ears were nigh me, not those of
man, who would have put a scornful interpretation on my weeping.
But now in writing I confess it unto Thee, O Lord ! Read it who
will, and interpret how he will; and if he finds me to have
sinned in weeping for my mother during so small a part of an
hour, that mother who was for a while dead to mine eyes, who had
for many years wept for me, that I might live in Thine eyes, let
him not laugh at me, but rather, if he be a man of a noble
charity, let him weep for my sins against Thee, the Father of all
the brethren of Thy Christ.
CHAP. XIII. HE ENTREATS
GOD FOR HER SINS, AND ADMONISHES HIS READERS TO REMEMBER HER
PIOUSLY.
34. But, my heart being now healed of that wound, in so far
as it could be convicted of a carnal affection, I pour out unto
Thee, O our God, on behalf of that Thine handmaid, tears of a far
different sort, even that which flows from a spirit broken by the
thoughts of the dangers of every soul that dieth in Adam. And
although she, having been "made alive" in Christs even before she
was freed from the flesh had so lived as to praise Thy name both
by her faith and conversation, yet dare I not say (4) that from
the time Thou didst regenerate her by baptism, no word went forth
from her mouth against Thy precepts.(6) And it hath been declared
by Thy Son, the Truth, that "Whosoever shall say to his brother,
Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire." (6) And woe even
unto the praiseworthy life of man, if, putting away mercy, Thou
shouldest investigate it. But because Thou dost not narrowly
inquire after sins, we hope with confidence to find some place of
indulgence with Thee. But whosoever recounts his true merits (7)
to Thee, what is it that he recounts to Thee but Thine own gifts
? Oh, if men would know themselves to be men; and that "he that
glorieth" would "glory in the Lord ! "(6)
35. I then, O my
Praise and my Life, Thou God of my heart, putting aside for a
little her good deeds, for which I joyfully give thanks to Thee,
do now beseech Thee for the sins of my mother. Hearken unto me,
through that Medicine Of our wounds who hung upon the tree, and
who, sitting at Thy right hand, "maketh intercession for us."
(9) I know that she acted mercifully, and from the heart forgave
her debtors their debts; do Thou also forgive her debts,n
whatever she contracted during so many ears since the water of
salvation. Forgive her, O Lord, forgive her, I beseech Thee;
"enter not into judgment" with her. (1) Let Thy mercy be exalted
above Thy justice, (2) because Thy words are true, and Thou hast
promised mercy unto "the merciful;"(3) which Thou gavest them to
be who wilt "have mercy" on whom Thou wilt "have mercy," and wilt
"have compassion" on whom Thou hast had compassion.
36. And
I believe Thou hast already done that which I ask Thee; but
"accept the free-will offerings of my mouth, O Lord."(5) For she,
when the day of her dissolution was near at hand, took no thought
to have her body sumptuously covered, or embalmed with spices;
nor did she covet a choice monument, or desire her paternal
burial-place. These things she entrusted not to us, but only
desired to have her name remembered at Thy altar, which she had
served without the omission of a single day; (6) whence she knew
that the holy sacrifice was dispensed, by which the handwriting
that was against us is blotted out; (7) by which the enemy was
triumphed over, (8) who, summing up our offences, and searching
for something to bring against us, found nothing in Him (9) in
whom we conquer. Who will restore to Him the innocent blood ?
Who will repay Him the price with which He bought us, so as to
take us from Him ? Unto the sacrament of which our ransom did Thy
handmaid bind her soul by the bond of faith. Let none separate
her from Thy protection. Let not the "lion" and the "dragon"
(10) introduce himself by force or fraud. For she will not reply
that she owes nothing, lest she be convicted and got the better
of by the wily deceiver; but she will answer that her "sins are
forgiven" n by Him to whom no one is able to repay that price
which He, owing nothing, laid down for us.
37. May she
therefore rest in peace with her husband, before or after whom
she married none; whom she obeyed, with patience bringing forth
fruit (12) unto Thee, that she might gain him also for Thee. And
inspire, O my Lord my God, inspire Thy servants my brethren, Thy
sons my masters, who with voice and heart and writings I serve,
that so many of them as shall read these confessions may at Thy
altar remember Monica, Thy handmaid, together with Patricius, her
sometime husband, by whose flesh Thou introducedst me into this
life, in what manner I know not. May they with pious affection
be mindful of my parents in this transitory light, of my brethren
that are under Thee our Father in our Catholic mother, and of my
fellow-citizens in the eternal Jerusalem, which the wandering of
Thy people sigheth for from their departure until their return.
That so my mother's last entreaty to me may, through my
confessions more than through my prayers, be more abundantly
fulfilled to her through the prayers of many.
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