HE
FINALLY DESCRIBES THE THIRTY-SECOND YEAR OF HIS AGE, THE MOST
MEMORABLE OF HIS WHOLE LIFE, IN WHICH, BEING INSTRUCTED BY
SIMPLICIANUS CONCERNING THE CONVERSION OF OTHERS, AND THE MANNER
OF ACTING, HE IS, AFTER A SEVERE STRUGGLE, RENEWED IN HIS WHOLE
MIND, AND IS CONVERTED UNTO GOD.
CHAP. I. HE, NOW GIVEN TO
DIVINE THINGS, AND YET ENTANGLED BY THE LUSTS OF LOVE, CONSULTS
SIMPLICIANUS IN REFERENCE TO THE RENEWING OF HIS MIND.
1. O MY God, let me with gratitude remember and confess unto
Thee Thy mercies bestowed upon me. Let my bones be steeped in
Thy love, and let them say, Who is like unto Thee, O Lord ? "Thou
hast loosed my bonds, I will offer unto Thee the sacrifice of
thanksgiving."(2) And how Thou hast loosed them I will declare;
and all who worship Thee when they hear these things shall say:
"Blessed be the Lord in heaven and earth, great and wonderful is
His name." Thy words had stuck fast into my breast, and I was
hedged round about by Thee on every side. Of Thy eternal life I
was now certain, although I had seen it "through a glass
darkly."* Yet I no longer doubted that there was an incorruptible
substance, from which was derived all other substance; nor did I
now desire to be more certain of Thee, but more stedfast in Thee.
As for my temporal life, all things were uncertain, and my heart
had to be purged from the old leaven? The "Way,"e the Saviour
Himself, was pleasant unto me, but as yet I disliked to pass
through its straightness. And Thou didst put into my mind, and
it seemed good in my eyes, to go unto Simplicianus, (7) who
appeared to me a faithful servant of Thine, and Thy grace shone
in him. I had also heard that from his very youth he had lived
most devoted to Thee. Now he had grown into years, and by reason
of so great age, passed in such zealous following of Thy ways, he
appeared to me likely to have gained much experience; and so in
truth he had. Out of which experience I desired him to tell me
(setting before him my griefs) which would be the most fitting
way for one afflicted as I was to walk in Thy way.
2. For
the Church I saw to. be full, and one went this way, and another
that. But it was displeasing to me that I led a secular life;
yea, now that my passions had ceased to excite me. as of old
with hopes of honour and wealth, a very grievous burden it was to
undergo so great a servitude. For, compared with Thy sweetness,
and the .beauty of Thy house, which I loved, (8) those things
delighted me no longer. But still very tenaciously was I held by
the love of women; nor did the apostle forbid me to marry,
although he exhorted me to something better, especially wishing
that all men were as he himself was. But I, being weak, made
choice of the more agreeable place, and because of this alone was
tossed up and down in all beside, faint and languishing with
withering cares, because in other matters I was compelled, though
unwilling, to agree to a married life, to which I was given up
and enthralled. I had heard from the mouth of truth that "there
be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of
heaven's sake ;" but, saith He, "he that is able to receive it,
let him receive it." x° Vain, assuredly, are all men in whom
the. knowledge of God is not, and who could not, out of the good
things which are seen, find out Him who is good? But I was no
longer in that vanity; I had surmounted it, and by the united
testimony of Thy whole creation had found Thee, our Creator,(12)
and Thy Word, God with Thee, and together with Thee and the Holy
Ghost (1) one God, by whom Thou createdst all things. There is
yet another kind of impious men, who "when they knew God, they
glorified Him not as God, neither were thankful." Into this also
had I fallen; but Thy right hand held me up, and bore me away,
and Thou placedst me where I might recover. For Thou hast said
unto man, "Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom ;" and
desire not to seem wise, because, "Professing them- i selves to
be wise, they became fools." But I had now found the goodly
pearl,(7) which, selling all that I had,(8) (1) ought to have
bought; and I hesitated.
CHAP. II. THE PIOUS OLD
MAN REJOICES THAT HE READ PLATO AND THE SCRIPTURES, AND TELLS HIM
OF THE RHETORICIAN VICTORINUS HAVING BEEN CONVERTED TO THE FAITH
THROUGH THE READING OF THE SACRED BOOKS.
3. To Simplicianus then I went, the father of Ambrose (9)
(at that time a bishop) in receiving Thy grace, and whom he truly
loved as a father. To him I narrated l;he windings of my error.
But when I mentioned to him that I had read certain books of the
Platonists, which Victorinus, sometime Professor of Rhetoric at
Rome (who died a Christian, as I had been told), had translated
into Latin, he congratulated me that I had not fallen upon the
writings of other philosophers, which were full of fallacies and
deceit, "after the rudiments of the world,"(10) whereas they,n in
many ways, led to the belief in God and His word? Then, to
exhort me to the humility of Christ,(13) hidden from the wise,
and revealed to little ones,(14) he spoke of Victorinus
himself,(15) whom, whilst he was at Rome, he had known very
intimately; and of him he related that about which I will not be
silent. For it contains great praise of Thy grace, which ought
to be confessed unto Thee, how that most learned old man, highly
skilled in all the liberal sciences, who had read, criticised,
and explained so many works of the philosophers; the teacher of
so many noble senators; who also, as a mark of his excellent
discharge of his duties, had (which men of this world esteem a
great honour) both merited and obtained a statue in the Roman
Forum, he,even to that age a worshipper of idols, and a
participator in the sacrilegious rites to which almost all the
nobility of Rome were wedded, and had inspired the people with
the love of "The dog Anubis, and a medley crew Of monster gods
[who] 'gainst Neptune stand in arms, 'Gainst Venus and Minerva,
steel-clad Mars,"(16) whom Rome once conquered, now worshipped,
all which old Victorinus had with thundering eloquence defended
so many years, he now blushed not to be the child of Thy Christ,
and an infant at Thy fountain, submitting his neck to the yoke of
humility, and subduing his forehead to the reproach of the Cross.
4. O Lord, Lord, who hast bowed the heavens and come down,
touched the mountains and they did smoke,n by what means didst
Thou convey Thyself into that bosom ? He used to read, as
Simplicianus said, the Holy Scripture, most studiously sought
after and searched into all the Christian writings, and said to
Simplicianus, not openly, but secretly, and as a friend, " Know
thou that I am a Christian." To which he replied, "I will not
believe it, nor will I rank you among the Christians unless I see
you in the Church of Christ." Whereupon he replied derisively,
"Is it then the walls that make Christians ?" And this he often
said, that he already was a Christian; and Simplidanus making the
same answer, the conceit of the "walls" was by the other as often
renewed. For he was fearful of offending his friends, proud
demon-worshippers, from the height of whose Babylonian dignity,
as from cedars of Lebanon which had not yet been broken by the
Lord,(1) he thought a storm of enmity would descend upon him.
But after that, from reading and inquiry, he had derived
strength, and feared lest he should be denied by Christ before
the holy angels if he now was afraid to confess Him before men,$
and appeared to himself guilty of a great fault in being ashamed
of the sacraments of the humility of Thy word, and not being
ashamed of the sacrilegious rites of those proud demons, whose
pride he had imitated and their rites adopted, he became bold-
faced against vanity, and shame-faced toward the truth, and
suddenly and unexpectedly said to Simplicianus, as he himself
informed me, " Let us go to the church; I wish to be made a
Christian." But he, not containing himself for joy, accompanied
him. And having been admitted to the first sacraments of
instruction, (4) he not long after gave in his name, that he
might be regenerated by baptism, Rome marvelling, and the Church
rejoicing. The proud saw, and were enraged; they gnashed with
their teeth, and melted away! (5) But the Lord God was the hope
of Thy servant, and He regarded not vanities and lying
madness.(6)
5. Finally, when the hour arrived for him to
make profession of his faith (which at Rome they who are about to
approach Thy grace are wont to deliver (7) from an elevated
place, in view of the faithful people, in a set form of words
learnt by heart the presbyters, he said, offered Victorinus to
make his profession more privately, as the custom was to do to
those who were likely, through bashfulness, to be afraid; but he
chose rather to profess his salvation in the presence of the holy
assembly. For it was not salvation that he taught in rhetoric,
and yet he had publicly professed that. How much less,
therefore, ought he, when pronouncing Thy word, to dread Thy meek
flock, who, in the delivery of his own words, had not feared the
mad multitudes ! So, then, when he ascended to make his
profession, all, as they recognised him, whispered his name one
to the other, with a voice of congratulation. And who was there
amongst them that did not know him? And there ran a low murmur
through the mouths of all the rejoicing multitude, "Victorinus !
Vic-torinus !" Sudden was the burst of exultation at the sight of
him; and suddenly were they: hushed, that they might hear him.
He pronounced the true faith with an excellent boldness, and all
desired to take him to their very heart yea, by their love and
joy they took him thither; such were the hands with which they
took him.
CHAP. III. THAT GOD AND
THE ANGELS REJOICE MORE ON THE RETURN OF ONE SINNER THAN OF MANY
Just PERSONS.
6. Good God, what passed in man to make
him rejoice more at the salvation of a soul despaired of, and
delivered from greater danger, than if there had always been hope
of him, or the danger had been less ? For so Thou also, O
merciful Father, dost "joy over one sinner that repenteth, more
than over ninety and nine just persons that need no repentance."
And with much joyfulness do we hear, whenever we hear, how the
lost sheep is brought home again on the Shepherd's shoulders,
while the angels rejoice, and the drachma is restored to Thy
treasury, the neighhours rejoicing with the woman who found it
and the joy of the solemn service of Thy house constraineth to
tears, when in Thy house it is read of Thy younger son that he
"was dead, and is alive again, and was lost, and is found." For
Thou rejoicest both in us and in Thy angels, holy through holy
charity. For Thou art ever the same; for all things which abide
neither the same nor for ever, Thou ever knowest after the same
manner.
7. What, then, passes in the soul when it more
delights at finding or having restored to it the thing it loves
than if it had always possessed them? Yea, and other things bear
witness hereunto; and all things are full of witnesses, crying
out, "So it is." The victorious commander triumpheth; yet he
would not have conquered had he not fought, and the greater the
peril of the battle, the more the rejoicing of the triumph. The
storm tosses the voyagers, threatens shipwreck, and every one
waxes pale at the approach of death; but sky and sea grow calm,
and they rejoice much, as they feared much. A loved one is sick,
and his pulse indicates danger; all who desire his safety are at
once sick at heart: he recovers, though not able as yet to walk
with his former strength, and there is such joy as was not before
when he walked sound and strong. Yea, the very pleasures of
human life not those only which rush upon us unexpectedly, and
against our wills, but those that are voluntary and designed do
men obtain by difficulties. There is no pleasure at all in
eating and drinking unless the pains of hunger and thirst go
before. And drunkards eat certain salt meats with the view Z of
creating a troublesome heat, which the drink allaying causes
pleasure. It is also the custom that the affianced bride should
not immediately be given up, that the husband may not less esteem
her whom, as betrothed, he longed not for.
8. This law
obtains in base and accursed joy; in that joy also which is
permitted and lawful; in the sincerity of honest friendship; and
in Him who was dead, and lived again, had been lost, and was
found.(4) The greater joy is everywhere preceded by the greater
pain. What meaneth this, O Lord my God, when Thou art, an
everlasting joy unto Thine own self, and some i things about Thee
are ever rejoicing in Thee ?s What meaneth this, that this
portion of things thus ebbs and flows, alternately offended and
reconciled ? Is this the fashion of them, and is this all Thou
hast allotted to them, whereas from the highest heaven to the
lowest earth, from the beginning of the world to its end, from
the angel to the worm, from the first movement unto the last,
Thou settedst each in its right place, and appointedst each its
proper seasons, everything good after its kind ? Woe is me! How
high art Thou in the highest, and how deep in the deepest! Thou
withdrawest no whither, and scarcely do we return to Thee.
CHAP. IV. HE SHOWS BY THE
EXAMPLE OF VICTORINUS THAT THERE IS MORE JOY IN THE CONVERSION OF
NOBLES.
9. Haste, Lord, and act; stir us up, and call us back;
inflame us, and draw us to Thee; stir us up, and grow sweet unto
us; let us now love Thee, let us "run after Thee." Do not many
men, out of a deeper hell of blindness than that of Victorinus,
return unto Thee, and approach, and are enlightened, receiving
that light, which they that receive, receive power from Thee to
become Thy sons?(2) But if they be less known among the people,
even they that know them joy less for them. For when many
rejoice together, the joy of each one is the fuller in that they
are incited and inflamed by one another. Again, because those
that are known to many influence many towards salvation, and take
the lead with many to follow them. And, therefore, do they also
who preceded them much rejoice in regard to them, because they
rejoice not in them alone. May it be averted that in Thy
tabernacle the persons of the rich should be accepted before the
poor, or the noble before the ignoble; since rather "Thou hast
chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which
are mighty i and base things of the world, and things which are
despised, hast Thou chosen, yea, and things which are not, to
bring to naught things that are."(3) And yet, even that "least of
the apostles,"(4) by whose tongue Thou soundest out these words,
when Paulus the proconsuls his pride overcome by the apostle's
warfare was made to pass under the easy yokes of Thy Christ, and
became a provincial of the great King, he also, instead of Saul,
his former name, desired to be called Paul, (7) in testimony of
so great a victory. For the enemy is more overcome in one of
whom he hath more hold, and by whom he hath hold of more. But
the proud hath he more hold of by reason of their nobility; and
by them of more, by reason of their authority? By how much the
more welcome, then, was the heart of Victorinus esteemed, which
the devil had held as an unassailable retreat, and the tongue of
Victorinus, with which mighty and cutting weapon he had slain
many; so much the more abundantly should Thy sons rejoice, seeing
that our King hath bound the strong man? and they saw his
vessels taken from him and cleansed,(10) and made meet for Thy
honour, and become serviceable for the Lord unto every good work?
CHAP. V. OF THE CAUSES
WHICH ALIENATE US FROM GOD.
10. But when that man
of Thine, Simplicianus, related this to me about Victorinus, I
burned to imitate him; and it was for this end he had related it.
But when he had added this also, that in the time of the Emperor
Julian, there was a law made by which Christians were forbidden
to teach grammar and oratory,(12) and he, in obedience to this
law, chose rather to abandon the wordy school than Thy word, by
which Thou makest eloquent the tongues of the dumb's, he
appeared to me not more brave than happy, in having thus
.discovered an opportunity of waiting on Thee only, which thing I
was sighing for, thus bound, not with the irons of another, but
my own iron will. My will was the enemy master of, and thence
had made a chain for me and bound me. Because of a perverse will
was lust made; and lust indulged in became custom; and custom not
resisted became necessity. By which links, as it were, joined
together (whence I term it a "chain "), did a hard bondage hold
me enthralled? But that new will which had begun to develope in
me, freely to worship Thee, and to wish to enjoy Thee, O God, the
only sure enjoyment, was not able as yet to overcome my former
wilfulness, made strong by long indulgence. Thus did my two
wills, one old and the other new, one carnal, the other
spiritual, contend within me; and by their discord they unstrung
my soul.
11. Thus came I to understand, from my own experience, what
I had read, how that "the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and
the Spirit against the flesh."(1) I verily lusted both ways; (2)
yet more in that which I approved in myself, than in that which I
disapproved in myself. For in this last it was now rather not
"I,"(3) because in much I rather suffered against my will than
did it willingly. And yet it was through me that custom became
more combative against me, because I had come willingly whither I
willed not. And who, then, can with any justice speak against
it, when just punishment follows the sinner?(4) Nor had I now any
longer my wonted excuse, that as yet I hesitated to be above the
world and serve Thee, because my perception of the truth was
uncertain; for now it was certain. But I, still bound to the
earth, refused to be Thy soldier; and was as much afraid of being
freed from all embarrassments, as we ought to fear to be
embarrassed.
12. Thus with the baggage of the world was I !
sweetly burdened, as when in slumber; and the thoughts wherein I
meditated upon Thee were like unto the efforts of those desiring
to awake, who, still overpowered with a heavy drowsiness, are
again steeped therein. And as no one desires to sleep always,
and in the sober judgment of all waking is better, yet does a man
generally defer to shake off drowsiness, when there is a heavy
lethargy in all his limbs, and, though displeased, yet even after
it is time to rise with pleasure yields to it, so was I assured
that it were much better for me to give up my- t self to Thy
charity, than to yield myself to my i own cupidity; but the
former course satisfied and vanquished me, the latter pleased me
and fettered me.(5) Nor had I aught to answer Thee [calling to
me, "Awake, thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and
Christ shall give thee light." (6) And to Thee showing me on
every side, that what Thou saidst was true, I, convicted by the
truth, had nothing at all to reply, but the drawling and drowsy
words: "Presently, lo, presently;" "Leave me a little while."
But "presently, presently," had no present; and my "leave me a
little while" went on for a long while. In vain did I "delight
in Thy law after the inner man," when "another law in my members
warred against the law of my mind, and brought me into captivity
to the law of sin which is in my members." For the law of sin is
the violence of custom, whereby the mind is drawn and held, even
against its will; deserving to be so held in that it so willingly
falls into it. " wretched man that I am ! who shall deliver me
from the body of this death" but Thy grace only, through Jesus
Christ our Lord ?s
CHAP. VI. PONTITIANUS'
ACCOUNT OF ANTONY, THE FOUNDER OF MONACHISM, AND OF SOME WHO
IMITATED HIM.
13. And how, then, Thou didst deliver me out of the bonds of
carnal desire, wherewith I was most firmly lettered, and out of
the drudgery of worldly business, will I now declare and confess
unto Thy name, "O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer." (9) Amid
increasing anxiety, I was transacting my usual affairs, and daily
sighing unto Thee. I resorted as frequently to Thy church as the
business, under the burden of which I groaned, left me free to
do. Alypius was with me, being after the third sitting
disengaged from his legal occupation, and awaiting further
opportunity of selling his counsel, as I was wont to sell the
power of speaking, if it can be supplied by teaching. But
Nebridius had, on account of our friendship, consented to teach
under Verecundus, a citizen and a grammarian of Milan, and a very
intimate friend of us all; who vehemently desired, and by the
right of friendship demanded from our company, the faithful aid
he greatly stood in need of. Nebridius, then, was not drawn to
this by any desire of gain (for he could have made much more of
his learning had he been so inclined), but, as a most sweet and
kindly friend, he would not be wanting in an office of
friendliness, and slight our request. But in this he acted very
discreetly, taking care not to become known to those personages
whom the world esteems great; thus avoiding distraction of mind,
which he desired to have free and at leisure as many hours as
possible, to search, or read, or hear something concerning
wisdom.
14. Upon a certain day, then, Nebridius being away
(why, I do not remember), lo, there came to the house to see
Alypius and me, Pontitianus, a countryman of ours, in so far as
he was an African, who held high office in the emperor's court.
What he wanted with us I know not, but we sat down to talk
together, and it fell out that upon a table before us, used for
games, he noticed a book; he took it up, opened it, and, contrary
to his expectation, found it to be the Apostle Paul, for he
imagined it to be one of those books which I was wearing myself
out in teaching. At this he looked up at me smilingly, and
expressed his delight and wonder that he had so unexpectedly
found this book, and this only, before my eyes. For he was both
a Christian and baptized, and often prostrated himself before
Thee our God in the church, in constant and daily prayers. When,
then, I had told him that I bestowed much pains upon these
writings, a conversation ensued on his speaking of Antony,x the
Egyptian I monk, whose name was in high repute among Thy
servants, though up to that time not familiar to us. When he
came to know this, he lingered on that topic, imparting to us a
knowledge of this man so eminent, and marvelling at our
ignorance. But we were amazed, hearing Thy wonderful works most
fully manifested in times so recent, and almost in our own,
wrought in the true faith and the Catholic Church. We all
wondered we, that they were so great, and he, that we had never
heard of them.
15. From this his conversation turned to the
companies in the monasteries, and their manners so fragrant unto
Thee, and of the fruitful deserts of the wilderness, of which we
knew nothing. And there was a monastery at Milan (2) full of
good brethren, without the walls of the city, under the fostering
care of Ambrose, and we were ignorant of it. He went on with his
relation, and we listened intently and in silence. He then
related to us how on a certain afternoon, at Triers, when the
emperor was taken up with seeing the Circensian games, he and
three others, his comrades, went out for a walk in the gardens
close to the city walls, and there, as they chanced to walk two
and two, one strolled away with him, while the other two went by
themselves; and these, in their rambling, came upon a certain
cottage inhabited by some of Thy servants, "poor in spirit," of
whom "is the kingdom of heaven," where they found a book in which
was written the life. of Antony. This one of them began to
read, marvel at, and be inflamed by it; and in the reading, to
meditate on embracing such a life, and giving up his worldly
employments to serve Thee. And these were of the body called
"Agents for Public Affairs."(2) Then, suddenly being overwhelmed
with a holy love and a sober sense of shame, in anger with
himself, he cast his eyes upon his friend, exclaiming, "Tell me,
I entreat thee, what end we are striving for by all these labours
of ours. What is our aim ? What is our motive in doing service ?
Can our hopes in court rise higher than to be ministers of the
emperor ? And in such a position, what is there not brittle, and
fraught with danger, and by how many dangers arrive we at greater
danger? And when arrive we thither? But if I desire to become a
friend of God, behold, I am even now made it." Thus spake he,
and in the pangs of the travail of the new life, he turned his
eyes again upon the page and continued reading, and was inwardly
changed where Thou sawest, and his mind was divested of the
world, as soon became evident; for as he read, and the surging of
his heart rolled along, he raged awhile, discerned and resolved
on a better course, and now, having become Thine, he said to his
friend, "Now have I broken loose from those hopes of ours, and am
determined to serve God; and this, from this hour, in this place,
I enter upon. If thou art reluctant to imitate me, hinder me
not." The other replied that he would cleave to him, to share in
so great a reward and so great a service. Thus both of them,
being now Thine, were building a tower at the necessary cost,s-of
forsaking all that they had and following Thee. Then
Pontitianus, and he that had walked with him through other parts
of the garden, came in search of them to the same place, and
having found them, reminded them to return as the day had
declined. But they, making known to him their resolution and
purpose, and how such a resolve had sprung up and become
confirmed in them, entreated them not to molest them, if they
refused to join themselves unto them. But the others, no whir
changed from their former selves, did yet (as he said) bewail
themselves, and piously congratulated them, recommending
themselves to their prayers; and with their hearts inclining
towards earthly things, returned to the palace. But the other
two, setting their affections upon heavenly things, remained in
the cottage. And both of them had affianced brides, who, when
they heard of this, dedicated also their virginity unto God.
CHAP. VII. HE DEPLORES
HIS WRETCHEDNESS, THAT HAVING BEEN BORN THIRTY-TWO YEARS, HE HAD
NOT YET FOUND OUT THE TRUTH.
16. Such was the story of Pontitianus. But Thou, O Lord,
whilst he was speaking, didst turn me towards myself, taking me
from behind my back, where I had placed myself while unwilling to
exercise self-scrutiny; and Thou didst set me face to face with
myself, that I might behold how foul I was, and how crooked and
sordid, bespotted and ulcerous. And I beheld and loathed myself;
and whither to fly from myself I discovered not. And if I sought
to turn my gaze away from myself, he continued his narrative, and
Thou again opposedst me unto myself, and thrustedst me before my
own eyes, that I might discover my iniquity, and hate it. I had
known it, but acted as though I knew it not, winked at it, and
forgot it.
17. But now, the more ardently I loved those
whose healthful affections I heard tell of, that they had given
up themselves wholly to Thee to be cured, the more did I abhor
myself when compared with them. For man), of my years (perhaps
twelve) had passed away since my nineteenth, when, on the reading
of Cicero's Hartensius, I was roused to a desire for wisdom; and
still I was delaying to reject mere worldly happiness, and to
devote myself to search out that whereof not the finding alone,
but the bare search,(6) ought to have been preferred before the
treasures and kingdoms of this world, though already found, and
before the pleasures of the body, though encompassing me at my
will. But I, miserable young man, supremely miserable even in
the very outset of my youth, had entreated chastity of Thee, and
said, "Grant me chastity and continency, but not yet." For I was
afraid lest Thou shouldest hear me soon, and soon deliver me from
the disease of concupiscence, which I desired to have satisfied
rather than extinguished. And I had wandered through perverse
ways in a sacrilegious superstition; not indeed assured thereof,
but preferring that to the others, which I did not seek
religiously, but opposed maliciously.
18. And I had thought
that I delayed from day to day to reject worldly hopes and follow
Thee only, because there did not appear anything certain
whereunto to direct my course. And now had the day arrived in
which I was to be laid bare to myself, and my conscience was to
chide me. "Where art thou, O my tongue ? Thou saidst, verily,
that for an uncertain truth thou wert not willing to cast off the
baggage of vanity. Behold, now it is certain, and yet doth that
burden still oppress thee; whereas they who neither have so worn
themselves out with searching after it, nor yet have spent ten
years and more in thinking thereon, have had their shoulders
unburdened, and gotten wings to fly away." Thus was I inwardly
consumed and mightily confounded with an horrible shame, while
Pontitianus was relating these things. And he, having finished
his story, and the business he came for, went his way. And unto
myself, what said I not within myself? With what scourges of
rebuke lashed I not my soul to make it follow me, struggling to
go after Thee ! Yet it drew back; it refused, and exercised not
itself. All its arguments were exhausted and confuted. There
remained a silent trembling; and it feared, as it would death, to
be restrained from the flow of that custom whereby it was
[wasting away even to death.
CHAP. VIII. THE
CONVERSATION WITH ALYPIUS BEING ENDED, HE RETIRES TO THE GARDEN,
WHITHER HIS FRIEND FOLLOWS HIM.
19. In the midst, then, of this great strife of my inner
dwelling, which I had strongly raised up against my soul in the
chamber of my heart,x troubled both in mind and countenance, I
seized upon Alypius, and exclaimed: "What is wrong with us ? What
is this ? What heardest thou ? The unlearned start up and take
heaven, (2) and we, with our learning, but wanting heart, see
where we wallow in flesh and blood ! Because others have preceded
us, are we ashamed to follow, and not rather ashamed at not
following ?" Some such words I gave utterance to, and in my
excitement flung myself from him, while he gazed upon me in
silent astonishment. For I spoke not in my wonted tone, and my
brow, cheeks, eyes, colour, tone of voice, all expressed my
emotion more than the words. There was a little garden belonging
to our lodging, of which we had the use, as of the whole house;
for the master, our landlord, did not live there. Thither had
the tempest within my breast hurried me, where no one might
impede the fiery struggle in which I was engaged with myself,
until it came to the issue that Thou knewest, though I did not.
But I was mad that I might be whole, and dying that I might have
life, knowing what evil thing I was, but not knowing what good
thing I was shortly to become. Into the garden, then, I retired,
Alypius following my steps. For his presence was no bar to my
solitude; or how could he desert me so troubled ? We sat down at
as great a distance from the house as we could. I was disquieted
in spirit, being most impatient with myself that I entered not
into Thy will and covenant, O my God, which all my bones cried
out unto me to enter, extolling it to the skies. And we enter
not therein by ships, or chariots, or feet, no, nor by going so
far as I had come from the house to that place where we were
sitting. For not to go only, but to enter there, was naught else
but to will to go, but to will it resolutely and thoroughly; not
to stagger and sway about this way and that, a changeable and
half-wounded will, wrestling, with one part falling as another
rose.
20. Finally, in the very fever of my irresolution, I made many
of those motions with my body which men sometimes desire to do,
but cannot, if either they have not the limbs, or if their limbs
be bound with fetters, weakened by disease, or hindered in any
other way. Thus, if I tore my hair, struck my forehead, or if,
entwining my fingers, I clasped my knee, this I did because I
willed it. But I might have willed and not done it, if the power
of motion in my limbs had not responded. So many things, then, I
did, when to have the will was not to have the power, and I did
not that which both with an unequalled desire I longed more to
do, and which shortly when I should will I should have the power
to do; because shortly when I should will, I should will
thoroughly. For in such things the power was one with the will,
and to will was to do, and yet was it not done; and more readily
did the body obey the slightest wish of the soul in the moving
its limbs at the order of the mind, than the soul obeyed itself
to accomplish in the will alone this its great will.
CHAP. IX. THAT THE MIND
COMMANDETH THE MIND, BUT IT WILLETH NOT ENTIRELY.
21. Whence is this monstrous thing? And why is it ? Let Thy
mercy shine on me, that I may inquire, if so be the hiding-places
of man's punishment, and the darkest contritions of the sons of
Adam, may perhaps answer me. Whence is this monstrous thing ?
and why is it ? The mind commands the body, and it obeys
forthwith; the mind commands itself, and is resisted. The mind
commands the hand to be moved, and such readiness is there that
the command is scarce to be distinguished from the obedience.
Yet the mind is mind, and the hand is body. The mind commands
the mind to will, and yet, though it be itself, it obeyeth not.
Whence this monstrous thing? and why is it? I repeat, it
commands itself to will, and would not give the command unless it
willed; yet is not that done which it commandeth. But it willeth
not entirely; therefore it commandeth not entirely. For so far
forth it commandeth, as it willeth; and so far forth is the thing
commanded not done, as it willeth not. For the will commandeth
that there be a will; not another, but itself. But it doth
not command entirely, therefore that is not which it commandeth.
For were it entire, it would not even command it to be, because
it would already be. It is, therefore, no monstrous thing partly
to will, partly to be unwilling, but an infirmity of the mind,
that it doth not wholly rise, sustained by truth, pressed down by
custom. And so there are two wills, because one of them is not
entire; and the one is supplied with what the other needs.
CHAP. X. HE REFUTES THE
OPINION OF THE MANICHAEANS AS TO TWO KINDS OF MINDS, ONE GOOD
AND THE OTHER EVIL.
22. Let them perish from Thy presence, O God, as "vain
talkers and deceivers" of the soul do perish, who, observing that
there were two wills in deliberating, affirm that there are two
kinds of minds in us, one good, the other evil. They
themselves verily are evil when they hold these evil opinions;
and they shall become good when they hold the truth, and shall
consent unto the truth, that Thy apostle may say unto them, "Ye
were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord." But,
they, desiring to be light, not "in the Lord," but in themselves,
conceiving the nature of the soul to be the same as that which
God is, are made more gross darkness; for that through a shocking
arrogancy they went farther from Thee, "the true Light, which
lighteth every man that cometh into the world." Take heed what
you say, and blush for shame; draw near unto Him and be
"lightened," and your faces shall not be "ashamed." I, when I
was deliberating upon serving the Lord my God now, as I had long
purposed, I it was who willed, I who was unwilling. It was I,
even I myself. I neither willed entirely, nor was entirely
unwilling. Therefore was I at war with myself, and destroyed by
myself. And this destruction overtook me against my will, and
yet showed not the presence of another mind, but the punishment
of mine own. "Now, then, it is no more I that do it, but sin
that dwelleth in me," the punishment of a more unconfined sin,
in that I was a son of Adam.
23. For if there be as many
contrary natures as there are conflicting wills, there will not
now be two natures only, but many. If any one deliberate whether
he should go to their conventicle, or to the theatre, those men
at once cry out, "Behold, here are two natures, one good,
drawing this way, another bad, drawing back that way; for whence
else is this indecision between conflicting wills?" But I reply
that both are bad that which draws to them, and that which
draws back to the theatre. But they believe not that will to be
other than good which draws to them. Supposing, then, one of us
should deliberate, and through the conflict of his two wills
should waver whether he should go to the theatre or to our
church, would not these also waver what to answer? For either
they must confess, which they are not willing to do, that the
will which leads to our church is good, as well as that of those
who have received and are held by the mysteries of theirs, or
they must imagine that there are two evil natures and two evil
minds in one man, at war one with the other; and that will not be
true which they say, that there is one good and another bad; or
they must be converted to the truth, and no longer deny that
where any one deliberates, there is one soul fluctuating between
conflicting wills.
24. Let them no more say, then, when
they perceive two wills to be antagonistic to each other in the
same man, that the contest is between two opposing minds, of two
opposing substances, from two opposing principles, the one good
and the other bad. For Thou, O true God, dost disprove, check,
and convince them; like as when both wills are bad, one
deliberates whether he should kill a man by poison, or by the
sword; whether he should take possession of this or that estate
of another's, when he cannot both; whether he should purchase
pleasure by prodigality, or retain his money by covetousness;
whether he should go to the circus or the theatre, if both are
open on the same day; or, thirdly, whether he should rob another
man's house, if he have the opportunity; or, fourthly, whether he
should commit adultery, if at the same time he have the means of
doing so, all these things concurring in the same point of
time, and all being equally longed for, although impossible to be
enacted at one time. For they rend the mind amid four, or even
(among the vast variety of things men desire) more antagonistic
wills, nor do they yet affirm that there are so many different
substances. Thus also is it in wills which are good. For I ask
them, is it a good thing to have delight in reading the apostle,
or good to have delight in a sober psalm, or good to discourse on
the gospel? To each of these they will answer, "It is good."
What, then, if all equally delight us, and all at the same time ?
Do not different wills distract the mind, when a man is
deliberating which he should rather choose? Yet are they all
good, and are at variance until one be fixed upon, whither the
whole united will may be borne, which before was divided into
many. Thus, also, when above eternity delights us, and the
pleasure of temporal good holds us down below, it is the same
soul which willeth not that or this with an entire will, and is
therefore torn asunder with grievous perplexities, while out of
truth it prefers that, but out of custom forbears not this.
CHAP. XI. IN WHAT MANNER
THE SPIRIT STRUGGLED WITH THE FLESH, THAT IT MIGHT BE FREED FROM
THE BONDAGE OF VANITY.
25. Thus was I sick and tormented, accusing myself far more
severely than was my wont, tossing and turning me in my chain
till that was utterly broken, whereby I now was but slightly, but
still was held. And Thou, O Lord, pressedst upon me in my inward
parts by a severe mercy, redoubling the lashes of fear and shame,
lest I should again give way, and that same slender remaining tie
not being broken off, it should recover strength, and enchain me
the faster. For I said mentally, "Lo, let it be done now, let it
be done now." And as, I spoke, I all but came to a resolve. I
all but did it, yet I did it not. Yet fell I not back to my old
condition, but took up my position hard by, and drew breath. And
I tried again, and wanted but very little of reaching it, and
somewhat less, and then all but touched and grasped it; and yet
came not at it, nor touched, nor grasped it, hesitating to die
unto death, and to live unto life; and the worse, whereto I had
been habituated, prevailed more with me than the better, which I
had not tried. And the very moment in which I was to become
another man, the nearer it approached me, the greater horror did
it strike into me; but it did not strike me back, nor turn me
aside, but kept me in suspense.
26. The very toys of toys,
and vanities of vanities, my old mistresses, still enthralled me;
they shook my fleshly garment, and whispered softly, "Dost thou
part with us? And from that moment shall we no more be with thee
for ever ? And from that moment shall not this or that be lawful
for thee for ever?" And what did they suggest to me in the words
"this or that?" What is it that they suggested, O my God? Let
Thy mercy avert it from the soul of Thy servant. What impurities
did they suggest! What shame! And now I far less than half
heard them, not openly showing themselves and contradicting me,
but muttering, as it were, behind my back, and furtively plucking
me as I was departing, to make me look back upon them. Yet they
did delay me, so that I hesitated to burst and shake myself free
from them, and to leap over whither I was called, an unruly
habit saying to me, "Dost thou think thou canst live without
them?"
27. But now it said this very faintly; for on that
side towards which I had set my face, and whither I trembled to
go, did the chaste dignity of Continence appear unto me,
cheerful, but not dissolutely gay, honestly alluring me to come
and doubt nothing, and extending her holy hands, full of a
multiplicity of good examples, to receive and embrace me. There
were there so many young men and maidens, a multitude of youth
and every age, grave widows and ancient virgins, and Continence
herself in all, not barren, but a fruitful mother of children of
joys, by Thee, O Lord, her Husband. And she smiled on me with an
encouraging mockery, as if to say, "Canst not thou do what these
youths and maidens can ? Or can one or other do it of themselves,
and not rather in the Lord their God ? The Lord their God gave me
unto them. Why standest thou in thine own strength, and so
standest not ? Cast thyself upon Him; fear not, He will not
withdraw that thou shouldest fall; cast thyself upon Him without
fear, He will receive thee, and heal thee." And I blushed beyond
measure, for I still heard the muttering of those toys, and hung
in suspense. And she again seemed to say, "Shut up thine ears
against those unclean members of thine upon the earth, that they
may be mortified. They tell thee of delights, but not as doth
the law of the Lord thy God." This controversy in my heart was
naught but self against self. But Alypius, sitting close by my
side, awaited in silence (3) the result of my unwonted emotion.
CHAP. XII. HAVING PRAYED
TO GOD, HE POURS FORTH A SHOWER OF TEARS, AND, ADMONISHED BY A
VOICE, HE OPENS THE BOOK AND READS THE WORDS IN ROM. XIII. 13; BY
WHICH, BEING CHANGED IN HIS WHOLE SOUL, HE DISCLOSES THE DIVINE
FAVOUR TO HIS FRIEND AND HIS MOTHER.
28. But when a profound reflection had, from the secret
depths of my soul, drawn together and heaped up all my misery
before the sight of my heart, there arose a mighty storm,
accompanied by as mighty a shower of tears. Which, that I might
pour forth fully, with its natural expressions, I stole away from
Alypius; for it suggested itself to me that solitude was fitter
for the business of weeping. So I retired to such a distance
that even his presence could not be oppressive to me. Thus was
it with me at that time, and he perceived it; for something, I
believe, I had spoken, wherein the sound of my voice appeared
choked with weeping, and in that state had I risen up. He then
remained where we had been sitting, most completely astonished.
I flung myself down, how, I know not, under a certain fig-tree,
giving free course to my tears, and the streams of mine eyes
gushed out, an acceptable sacrifice unto Thee. And, not indeed
in these words, yet to this effect, spake I much unto Thee,
"But Thou, O Lord, how long?"(6) "How long, Lord? Wilt Thou be
angry for ever ? Oh, remember not against us former
iniquities;"(7) for I felt that I was enthralled by them. I sent
up these sorrowful cries, "zhow long, how long ? Tomorrow, and
tomorrow ? Why not now ? Why is there not this hour an end to my
uncleanness ?"
29. I was saying these things and weeping in
the most bitter contrition of my heart, when, lo, I heard the
voice as of a boy or girl, I know not which, coming from a
neighbouring house, chanting, and oft repeating, "Take up and
read; take up and read." Immediately my countenance was changed,
and I began most earnestly to consider whether it was usual for
children in any kind of game to sing such words; nor could I
remember ever to have heard the like. So, restraining the
torrent of my tears, I rose up, interpreting it no other way than
as a command to me from Heaven to open the book, and to read the
first chapter I should light upon. For I had heard of Antony,
(8) that, accidentally coming in whilst the gospel was being
read, he received the admonition as if what was read were
addressed to him, "Go and sell that thou hast, and give to the
poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven; and come and follow
me." (9) And by such oracle was he forthwith converted unto
Thee. So quickly I returned to the place where Alypius was
sitting; for there had I put down the volume of the apostles,
when I rose thence. I grasped, opened, and in silence read that
paragraph on which my eyes first fell, "Not in rioting and
drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and
envying; but put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not
provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof."(10) No
further would I read, nor did I need; for instantly, as the
sentence ended, by a light, as it were, of security infused
into my heart, all the gloom of doubt vanished away.
30.
Closing the book, then, and putting either my finger between, or
some other mark, I now with a tranquil countenance made it known
to Alypius. And he thus disclosed to me what was wrought in him,
which I knew not. He asked to look at what I had read. I showed
him; and he looked even further than I had read, and I knew not
what followed. This it was, verily, "Him that is weak in the
faith, receive ye;"(1) which he applied to himself, and
discovered to me. By this admonition was he strengthened; and by
a good resolution and purpose, very much in accord with his
character (wherein, for the better, he was always far different
from me), without any restless delay he joined me. Thence we go
in to my mother. We make it known to her, she rejoiceth. We
relate how it came to pass, she leapeth for joy, and
triumpheth, and blesseth Thee, who art "able to do exceeding
abundantly above all that we ask or think; (2) for she perceived
Thee to have given her more for me than she used to ask by her
pitiful and most doleful groanings. For Thou didst so convert me
unto Thyself, that I sought neither a wife, nor any other of this
world's hopes, standing in that rule of faith in which Thou,
so many years before, had showed me unto her in a vision. And
thou didst turn her grief into a gladness, much more plentiful
than she had desired, and much dearer and chaster than she used
to crave, by having grandchildren of my body.
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