HE
DESCRIBES THE TWENTY-NINTH YEAR OF HIS AGE, IN WHICH, HAVING
DISCOVERED THE FALLACIES OF THE MANICHAEANS, HE PROFESSED
RHETORIC AT ROME AND MILAN. HAVING HEARD AMBROSIA, HE BEGINS TO
COME TO HIMSELF.
CHAP. I. THAT IT BECOMES THE
SOUL TO PRAISE GOD, AND TO CONFESS UNTO HIM.
1. ACCEPT
the sacrifice of my confessions by the agency of my tongue, which
Thou hast formed and quickened, that it may confess to Thy name;
and heal Thou all my bones, and let them say, "Lord, who is like
unto Thee ?"(1) For neither does he who confesses to Thee teach
Thee what may be passing within him, because: a dosed heart doth
not exclude Thine eye, nor does man's hardness of heart repulse
Thine hand, but Thou dissolvest it when Thou wiliest, either in
pity or in vengeance, "and there is no One who can hide himself
from Thy heat."(2) But let my soul praise Thee, that it may love
Thee; and let it confess Thine own mercies to Thee, at it may
praise Thee. Thy whole creation ceaseth not, nor is it silent in
Thy praises neither the spirit of man, by the voice directed
unto Thee, nor animal nor corporeal things, by the voice of those
meditating thereon; (3) so that our souls may from their
weariness arise towards Thee, leaning on those things which Thou
hast made, and passing on to Thee, who hast made them Wonderfully
and there is there refreshment and true strength.
CHAP. II. ON THE VANITY OF THOSE
WHO WISHED TO ESCAPE THE OMNIPOTENT GOD.
2. Let the
restless and the unjust depart and flee from Thee. Thou both
seest them and distinguishest the shadows. And lo! all things
with them are far, yet are they themselves foul.(4) And how have
they injured Thee?(5) Or in what have they disgraced Thy
government, which is just and perfect from heaven even to the
lowest parts of the earth. For whither fled they when they fled
from Thy presence? (6) Or where dost Thou not find them ? But
they fled that they might not see Thee seeing them, and blinded
might stumble against Thee ; (7) since Thou forsakest nothing
that Thou hast made (8) that the unjust might stumble.
against Thee, and justly be hurt,(9) withdrawing themselves from
Thy gentleness, and stumbling against Thine uprightness, and
falling upon their own roughness. Forsooth, they know not that
Thou art everywhere whom no place encompasseth, and that Thou
alone art near even to those that re. move far from Thee? (10)
Let them, then, be converted and seek Thee; because not as they
have forsaken their Creator hast Thou forsaken Thy creature. Let
them be converted and seek Thee; and behold, Thou art there in
their hearts, in the hearts of those who confess to Thee, and
east themselves upon Thee, and weep on Thy bosom after their
obdurate ways, even Thou gently wiping away their tears. And
they weep the more, and rejoice in weeping, since Thou, O Lord,
not man, flesh and blood, but Thou, Lord, who didst make,
remakest and comfortest them. And where was I when I was seeking
Thee ? And Thou weft before me, but I had gone away even from
myself; nor did I find myself, much less Thee!
CHAP. III. HAVING HEARD
FAUSTUS, THE MOST LEARNED BISHOP OF THE MANICHAEANS, HE DISCERNS
THAT GOD, THE AUTHOR BOTH OF THINGS ANIMATE AND INANIMATE,
CHIEFLY HAS CARE FOR THE HUMBLE.
3. Let me lay bare before my God that twenty-ninth year of
my age. There had at this time come to Carthage a certain bishop
of the Manichaeans, by name Faustus, a great snare Of the devil,
and in any were entangled by him through the allurement of his
smooth speech the which, although I did commend, yet could I
separate from the truth of those things which I was eager to
learn. Nor did I esteem the small dish of oratory so much as the
science, which this their so praised Faustus placed before me to
feed upon. Fame, indeed, had before Sen of him to me, as most
skilled in all being learning, and pre-eminently skilled in the
liberal sciences. And as I had read and retained in memory many
injunctions of the philosophers, I used to compare some teachings
of theirs with those long fables of the Manichaeans and the
former things which they declared, who could only prevail so far
as to estimate this lower world, while its lord they could by no
means find out,(1) seemed to me the more probable. For Thou art
great, O Lord, and hast respect unto the lowly, but the proud
Thou knowest afar off."(2) Nor dost Thou draw near but to the
COntrite heart,(3) nor art Thou found the proud, (4) not even
could they number by cunning skill the stars and the sand, and
measure the starry regions, and trace the courses of the planets.
4. For with their understanding and the capacity which Thou
hast bestowed upon them they search out these things; and much
have they found out, and foretold many years before, the
eclipses of those luminaries, the sun and moon, on what day, at
what hour, and from how many particular points they were likely
to come. Nor did their calculation fail them; and it came to
pass even as they foretold. And they wrote down the rules found
out, which are read at this day; and from these others foretell
in what year and in what month of the year, and on what day of
the month, and at what hour of the day, and at what quarter of
its light, either moon or sun is to be eclipsed, and thus it
shall be even as it is foretold. And men who are ignorant of
these things marvel and are amazed, and they that know them exult
and are exalted; and by an impious pride, departing from Thee,
and forsaking Thy light, they foretell a failure of the sun's
light which is likely to occur so long before, but see not their
own, which is now present. For they seek not religiously whence
they have the ability where-with they seek out these things. And
finding that Thou hast made them, they give not themselves up to
Thee, that Thou mayest preserve what Thou hast made, nor
sacrifice themselves to Thee, even such as they have made
themselves to be; nor do they slay their own pride, as fowls of
the air, (5) nor their own curiosities, by which (like the fishes
of the sea). they wander over the unknown paths of the abyss, nor
their own extravagance, as the "beasts of the field," (6) that
Thou, Lord, "a consuming fire,"(7) mayest burn up their lifeless
cares and renew them immortally.
5. But the way Thy
Word, (8) by whom Thou didst make these things which they number,
and themselves who number, and the sense by which they perceive
what they number, and the judgment out of which they number
they knew not, and that of Thy wisdom there is no number) But the
Only-begotten has been "made unto us wisdom, and righteousness,
and sanctification,"(10) and has been numbered amongst us, and
paid tribute to Caesar.(11) This way, by which they might descend
to Him from themselves, they knew not; nor that through Him they
might ascend unto Him.(12) This way they knew not, and they think
themselves exalted with the stars (13) and shining, and lo ! they
fell upon the earth,(14) and "their foolish heart was
darkened."(1) They say many true things concerning the creature;
but Truth, the Artificer of the creature, they seek not with
devotion, and hence they find Him not. Or if they find Him,
knowing that He is God, they glorify Him not as God, neither are
they thankful, (2) but become vain in their imaginations, and say
that they themselves are wise? attributing to themselves what is
Thine; and by this, with most perverse blindness, they desire to
impute to Thee what is their own, forging lies against Thee who
art the Truth, and changing the glory of the incorruptible God
into an image made like corruptible man, and to birds, and four-
fooled beasts, and creeping things, (4) changing Thy truth
into a lie, and worshipping and serving the creature more than
the Creator.(5)
6. Many truths, however, concerning the
creature did I retain from these men, and the cause appeared to
me from calculations, the succession of seasons, and the visible
manifestations of the stars; and I compared them with the sayings
of Manichaeus, who in his frenzy has written most extensively on
these subjects, but discovered not any account either of the
solstices, or the equinoxes, the eclipses of the luminaries, or
anything of the kind I had learned in the books of secular
philosophy. But therein I was ordered to believe, and yet it
corresponded not with those rules acknowledged by calculation and
my own sight, but was far different.
CHAP. IV. THAT THE KNOWLEDGE
OF TERRESTRIAL AND CELESTIAL THINGS DOES NOT GIVE HAPPINESS, BUT
THE KNOWLEDGE OF GOD ONLY.
7. Doth, then, O Lord God of truth, whosoever knoweth those
things therefore please Thee? For unhappy is the man who knoweth
all those things, but knoweth Thee not; but happy is he who
knoweth Thee, though these he may not know.(6) But he who knoweth
both Thee and them is not the happier on account of them, but is
happy on account of Thee only, if knowing Thee he glorify Thee as
God, and gives thanks, and becomes not vain in his thoughts.(7)
But as he is happier who knows how to possess a tree, and for the
use thereof renders thanks to Thee, although he may not know how
many cubits high it is, or how wide it spreads, than he that
measures it and counts all its branches, and neither owns it nor
knows or loves its Creator; so a just man, whose is the entire
world of wealth, (8) and who, as having nothing, yet possesseth
all things (9) by cleaving unto Thee, to whom all things are
subservient, though he know not even the circles of the Great
Bear, yet it is foolish to doubt but that he may verily be better
than he who can measure the heavens, and number the stars, and
weigh the elements, but is forgetful of Thee, "who hast set in
order all things in number, weight, and measure."(10)
CHAP. V. OF MANICHAEUS
PERTINACIOUSLY TEACHING FALSE DOCTRINES, AND PROUDLY ARROGATING
TO HIMSELF THE HOLY SPIRIT.
8. But yet who was it that ordered Manichaeus to write on
these things likewise, skill in which was not necessary to piety
? For Thou hast told man to behold piety ind wisdom,(11) of which
he might be in ignorance although having a complete knowledge of
these other things; but since, knowing not these things, he yet
most impudently dared to teach them, it is clear that he had no
acquaintance with piety. For even when we have a knowledge of
these worldly matters, it is folly to make a profession of them;
but confession to Thee is piety. It was therefore with this view
that this straying one spake much of these matters, that,
standing convicted by those who had in truth learned them, the
understanding that he really had in those more difficult things
might be made plain. For he wished not to be lightly esteemed,
but went about trying to persuade men "that the Holy Ghost, the
Comforter and Enricher of Thy faithful ones, was with full
authority personally resident in him."(12) When, therefore, it
was discovered that his teaching concerning the heavens and
stars, and the motions of sun and moon, was false, though these
things do not relate to the doctrine of religion, yet his
sacrilegious arrogance would become sufficiently evident, seeing
that not only did he affirm things of which he knew nothing, but
also perverted them, and with such egregious vanity of pride as
to seek to attribute them to himself as to a divine being.
9. For when I hear a Christian brother ignorant of these things,
or in error concerning them, I can bear with patience to see that
man hold to his opinions; nor can I apprehend that any want of
knowledge as to the situation or nature of this material creation
can be injurious to him, so long as he does not entertain belief
in anything unworthy of Thee, O Lord, the Creator of all. But if
he conceives it to pertain to the form of the doctrine of piety,
and presumes to affirm with great obstinacy that whereof he is
ignorant, therein lies the injury. And yet even a weakness such
as this in the dawn of faith is borne by our Mother Charity, till
the new man may grow up "unto a perfect man," and not be "carried
about with every wind of doctrine." (1) But in him who thus
presumed to beat once the teacher, author, head, and leader of
all whom he could induce to believe this, so that all who
followed him believed that they were following not a simple man
only, but Thy Holy Spirit, who would not judge that such great
insanity, when once it stood convicted of false teaching, should
be abhorred and utterly cast off? But I had not yet clearly
ascertained whether the changes of longer and shorter days, and
nights, and day and night itself, with the eclipses of the
greater lights, and whatever of the like kind I had read in other
books, could be expounded consistently with his words. Should I
have found myself able to do so, there would still have remained
a doubt in my mind whether it were so or no, although I might, on
the strength of his reputed godliness, (2) rest my faith on his
authority.
CHAP. VI. FAUSTUS WAS INDEED
AN ELEGANT SPEAKER, BUT KNEW NOTHING OF THE LIBERAL
SCIENCES.
10. And for nearly the whole of those nine years during
which, with unstable mind, I had been their follower, I had been
looking forward · with but too great eagerness for the arrival of
this same Faustus. For the other members of the sect whom I had
chanced to light upon, when unable to answer the questions I
raised, always bade me look forward to his coming, when, by
discoursing with him, these, and greater difficulties if I had
them, would be most easily and amply cleared away. When at last
he did come, I found him to be a man of pleasant speech, who
spoke of the very same things as they themselves did, although
more fluently, and in better language. But of what profit to me
was the elegance of my cup-bearer, since he offered me not the
more precious draught for which I thirsted ? My ears were already
satiated with similar things; neither did they appear to me more
conclusive, because better expressed; nor true, because
oratorical; nor the spirit necessarily wise, because the face was
comely and the language eloquent. But they who extolled him to
me were not competent judges; and therefore, as he was possessed
of suavity of speech, he appeared to them to be prudent and wise.
Another sort of persons, however, was, I was aware, suspicious
even of truth itself, if enunciated in smooth and flowing
language. But me, O my God, Thou hadst already instructed by
wonderful and mysterious ways, and therefore I believe that Thou
instructedst me because it is truth; nor of truth is there any
other teacher where or whencesoever it may shine upon us (3) but Thee. From Thee, therefore, I had now learned, that cause
a thing is eloquently expressed, it should not of necessity seem
to be true; nor, because uttered with stammering lips, should it
be false nor, again, perforce true, because unskilfully
delivered; nor consequently untrue, because the language is fine;
but that wisdom and folly are as food both wholesome and
unwholesome, and courtly or simple words as town-made or rustic
vessels, and both kinds of food may be served in either kind
of dish.
11. That eagerness, therefore, with which I had so
long waited for this man was in truth delighted with his action
and feeling when disputing, and the fluent and apt words with
which he clothed his ideas. I was therefore filled with joy, and
joined with others (and even exceeded them) in exalting and
praising him. It was, however, a source of annoyance to me that
was not allowed at those meetings of his auditors to introduce
and impart (4) any of those questions that troubled me in
familiar exchange of arguments with him. When I might speak, and
began, in conjunction with my friends, to engage his attention at
such times as it was not unseeming for him to enter into a
discussion with me, and had mooted such questions as perplexed
me, I discovered him first to know nothing of the liberal
sciences save grammar, and that only in an ordinary way. Having,
however, read some of Tully's Orations, a very few books of
Seneca and some of the poets, and such few volumes of his own
sect as were written coherently in Latin, and being day by day
practised in speaking, he so acquired a sort of eloquence, which
proved the more delightful and enticing in that it was under the
control of ready tact, and a sort of native grace. Is it not
even as I recall, O Lord my God, Thou judge of my conscience ? My
heart and my memory are laid before Thee, who didst at that time
direct me by the inscrutable mystery of Thy Providence, and didst
set before my face those vile errors of mine, in order that I
might see and loathe them.
CHAP. VII. -CLEARLY SEEING
THE FALLACIES OF THE MANICHAEANS, HE RETIRES FROM THEM, BEING
REMARKABLY AIDED BY GOD.
12. For when it became plain to me that he was ignorant of
those arts in which I had believed him to excel, I began to
despair of his clearing up and explaining all the perplexities
which harassed me: though ignorant of these, however, he might
still have held the truth of piety, had he not been a Manichaean.
For their books are full of lengthy fables (1) concerning the
heaven and stars, the sun and moon, and I had ceased to think him
able to decide in a satisfactory manner what I ardently desired,
whether, on comparing these things with the calculations I had
read elsewhere, the explanations contained in the works of
Manichaeus were preferable, or at any rate equally sound ? But
when I proposed that these subjects should be deliberated upon
and reasoned out, he very modestly did not dare to endure the
burden. For he was aware that he had no knowledge of these
things, and was not ashamed to confess it. For he was not one of
those loquacious persons, many of whom I had been troubled with,
who covenanted to teach me these things, and said nothing; but
this man possessed a heart, which, though not right towards Thee,
yet was not altogether false towards himself. For he was not
altogether ignorant of his own ignorance, nor m would he without
due consideration be inveigled in a controversy, from which he
could neither draw back nor extricate himself fairly. And for
that I was even more pleased with him, for more beautiful is the
modesty of an ingenuous mind than the acquisition of the
knowledge I desired, and such I found him to be in all the
more abstruse and subtle questions.
13. My eagerness after
the writings of Manichaeus having thus received a check, and
despairing even more of their other teachers,seeing that in
sundry things which puzzled me, he, so famous amongst them, had
thus turned out, I began to occupy myself with him in the
study of that literature which he also much affected, and which
I, as Professor of Rhetoric, was then engaged in teaching the
young Carthaginian students, and in reading with him either what
he expressed a wish to hear, or I deemed suited to his bent of
mind. But all my endeavours by which I had concluded to improve
in that sect, by acquaintance with that man, came completely to
an end: not that I separated myself altogether from them, but, as
one who could find nothing better, I determined in the meantime
upon contenting myself with what I had in any way lighted upon,
unless, by chance, something more desirable should present
itself. Thus that Faustus, who had entrapped so many to their
death, neither willing nor wilting it, now began to loosen
the snare in which I had been taken. For Thy hands, O my God, in
the hidden design of Thy Providence, did not desert my soul; and
out of the blood of my mother's heart, through the tears that she
poured out by day and by night, was a sacrifice offered unto Thee
for me; and by marvellous ways didst Thou deal with me. (2) It
was Thou, O my God, who didst it, for the steps of a man are
ordered by the Lord, and He shall dispose his way. (3) Or how
can we procure salvation but from Thy hand, remaking what it hath
made ?
CHAP. VIII. HE SETS OUT FOR
ROME, HIS MOTHER IN VAIN LAMENTING IT.
14. Thou
dealedst with me, therefore, that I should be persuaded to go to
Rome, and teach there rather what I was then teaching at
Carthage. And how I was persuaded to do this, I will not fail to
confess unto Thee; for in this also the profoundest workings of
Thy wisdom, and Thy ever present mercy to usward, must be
pondered and avowed. It was not my desire to go to Rome because
greater advantages and dignities were guaranteed me by the
friends who persuaded me into this, although even at this
period I was influenced by these considerations, but my
principal and almost sole motive was, that I had been informed
that the youths studied more quietly there, and were kept under
by the control of more rigid discipline, so that they did not
capriciously and impudently rash into the school of a master not
their own, into whose presence they were forbidden to enter
unless with his consent. At Carthage, on the contrary, there was
amongst the scholars a shameful and intemperate license. They
burst in rudely, and, with almost furious gesticulations,
interrupt the system which any one may have instituted for the
good of his pupils. Many outrages they perpetrate with
astounding phlegm, which would be punishable by law were they not
sustained by custom; that custom showing them to be the more
worthless, in that they now do, as according to law, what by Thy
unchangeable law will never be lawful. And they fancy they do it
with impunity, whereas the very blindness whereby they do it is
their punishment, and they suffer far greater things than they
do. The manners, then, which as a student I would not adopt,(1)
I was compelled as a teacher to submit to from others; and so I
was too glad to go where all who knew anything about it assured
me that similar things were not done. But Thou, "my refuge and
my portion in the land of the living,"(2) didst while at Carthage
goad me, so that I might thereby be withdrawn from it, and
exchange my worldly habitation for the preservation of my soul;
whilst at Rome Thou, didst offer me enticements by which to
attract me there, by men enchanted with this dying life, the
one doing insane actions, and the, other making assurances of
vain things; and, in order to correct my footsteps, didst
secretly employ their and my perversity. For both they who
disturbed my tranquillity were blinded by a shameful madness, and
they who allured me elsewhere smacked of the earth. And I, who
hated real misery here, sought fictitious happiness there.
15. But the cause of my going thence and going thither, Thou, O
God, knewest, yet revealedst it not, either to me or to my
mother, who grievously lamented my journey, and went with me as
far as the sea. But I deceived her, when she violently
restrained me either that she might retain me or accompany me,
and I pretended that I had a friend whom I could not quit until
he had a favourable wind to set sail. And I lied to my mother
and such a mother! and got away. For this also Thou hast in
mercy pardoned me, saving me, thus replete with abominable
pollutions, from the waters of the sea, for the water of Thy
grace, whereby, when I was purified, the fountains of my mother's
eyes should be dried, from which for me she day by day watered
the ground under her face. And yet, refusing to go back without
me, it was with difficulty I persuaded her to remain that night
in a place quite close to our ship, where there was an oratory
(3) in memory of the blessed Cyprian. That night I secretly
left, but she was not backward in prayers and weeping. And what
was it, O Lord, that she, with such an abundance of tears, was
asking of Thee, but that Thou wouldest not permit me to sail ?
But Thou, mysteriously counselling and hearing the real purpose
of her desire, granted not what she then asked, in order to make
me what she was ever asking. The wind blew and filled our sails,
and withdrew the shore from our sight; and she, wild with grief,
was there on the morrow, and filled Thine ears with complaints
and groans, which Thou didst disregard; whilst, by the means of
my longings, Thou wert hastening me on to the cessation of all
longing, and the gross part of her love to me was whipped out by
the just lash of sorrow. But, like all mothers, though even
more than others, she loved to have me with her, and knew not
what joy Thou weft preparing for her by my absence. Being
ignorant of this, she did weep and mourn, and in her agony was
seen the inheritance of Eve, seeking in sorrow what in sorrow
she had brought forth. And yet, after accusing my perfidy and
cruelty, she again continued her intercessions for me with Thee,
returned to her accustomed place, and I to Rome.
CHAP.IX. BEING ATTACKED BY
FEVER, HE IS IN GREAT DANGER.
16. And behold, there
was I received by the scourge of bodily sickness, and I was
descending into hell burdened with all the sins that I had
committed, both against Thee, myself, and others, many and
grievous, over and above that bond of original sin whereby we all
die in Adam.(4) For none of these things hadst Thou forgiven me
in Christ, neither had He "abolished" by His cross "the enmity" t
which, by my sins, I had incurred with Thee. For how could He,
by the crucifixion of a phantasm? which I supposed Him to be ?
As true, then, was the death of my soul, as that of His flesh
appeared to me to be untrue; and as true the death of His flesh
as the life of my soul, which believed it not, was false. The
fever increasing, I was now passing away and perishing. For had
I then gone hence, whither should I have gone but into the fiery
torments meet for my misdeeds, in the truth of Thy ordinance ?
She was ignorant of this, yet, while absent, prayed for me. But
Thou, everywhere present, hearkened to her where she was, and
hadst pity upon me where I was, that I should regain my bodily
health, although still frenzied in my sacrilegious heart. For
all that peril did not make me wish to be baptized, and I was
better when, as a lad, I entreated it of my mother's piety, as I
have already related and confessed? But I had grown up to my own
dishonour, and all the purposes of Thy medicine I madly derided,
(4) who wouldst not suffer me, though such a one, to die a double
death. Had my mother's heart been smitten with this wound, it
never could have been cured. For I cannot sufficiently express
the love she had for me, nor how she now travailed for me in the
spirit with a far keener anguish than when she bore me in the
flesh.
17. I cannot conceive, therefore, how she could have
been healed if such a death of mine had transfixed the bowels of
her love. Where then would have been her so earnest, frequent,
and unintermitted prayers to Thee alone ? But couldst Thou, most
merciful God, despise the "contrite and humble heart" of that
pure and prudent widow, so constant in alms-deeds, so gracious
and attentive to Thy saints, not permitting one day to pass
without oblation at Thy altar, twice a day, at morning and even-
tide, coming to Thy church without intermission not for vain
gossiping, nor old wives' "fables,"(6) but in order that she
might listen to Thee in Thy sermons, and Thou to her in her
prayers? (7) Couldst Thou Thou by whose gift she was such -
despise and disregard without succouring the tears of such a one,
wherewith she entreated Thee not for gold or silver, nor for any
changing or fleeting good, but for the salvation of the soul of
her son ? By no means, Lord. Assuredly Thou wert near, and weft
hearing and doing in that method in which Thou hadst
predetermined that it should be done. Far be it from Thee that
Thou shouldst delude her in those visions and the answers she had
from Thee, some of which I have spoken of, and others not? -
which she kept (10) in her faithful breast, and, always
petitioning, pressed upon Thee as Thine autograph. For Thou,
"because Thy mercy endureth for ever," n condescendest to those
whose debts Thou hast pardoned, to become likewise a debtor by
Thy promises.
CHAP. X. WHEN HE HAD LEFT THE
MANICHAEANS, HE RETAINED HIS DEPRAVED OPINIONS CONCERNING SIN AND
THE ORIGIN OF THE SAVIOUR.
18. Thou restoredst me then from that illness, and made
sound the son of Thy hand-maid meanwhile in body, that he might
live for Thee, to endow him with a higher and more enduring
health. And even then at Rome I joined those deluding and
deluded "saints ;" not their "hearers" only, of the number of
whom was he in whose house I had fallen ill, and had recovered,
but those also whom they designate "The Elect."(1) For it still
seemed to me "that it was not we that sin, but that I know not
what other nature sinned in us." And it gratified my pride to be
free from blame and, after I had committed any fault, not to
acknowledge that I had done any, " that Thou mightest heal my
soul because it had sinned against Thee;"(3) but I loved to
excuse it, and to accuse something else (I wot not what) which
was with me, but was not I. But assuredly it was wholly I, and my
impiety had divided me against myself; and that sin was all the
more incurable in that I did not deem myself a sinner. And
execrable iniquity it was, O God omnipotent, that I would rather
have Thee to be overcome in me to my destruction, than myself of
Thee to salvation ! Not yet, therefore, hadst Thou set a watch
before my mouth, and kept the door of my lips, that my heart
might not incline to wicked speeches, to make excuses of sins,
with men that work iniquity (4) and, therefore, was I still
united with their "Elect."
19. But now, hopeless of making
proficiency in that false doctrine, even those things with which
I had decided upon contenting myself, providing that I could find
nothing better, I now held more loosely and negligently. For I
was half inclined to believe that those philosophers whom they
call "Academics" were more sagacious than the rest, in that they
held that we ought to doubt everything, and ruled that man had
not the power of comprehending any truth; for so, not yet
realizing their meaning, I a/so was fully persuaded that they
thought just as they are commonly held to do. And I did not fail
frankly to restrain in my host that assurance which I observed
him to have in those fictions of which the works of Manichaeus
are full. Notwithstanding, I was on terms of more intimate
friendship with them than with others who were not of this
heresy. Nor did I defend it with my former ardour; still my
familiarity with that sect (many of them being concealed in Rome)
made me slower (6) to seek any other way, particularly since I
was hopeless of finding the truth, from which in Thy Church, O
Lord of heaven and earth, Creator' of all things visible and
invisible, they had turned me aside, and it seemed to me most
unbecoming to believe Thee to have the form of human flesh, and
to be bounded by the bodily lineaments of our members. And
because, when I desired to meditate on my God, I knew not what to
think of but a mass of bodies (7) (for what was not such did not
seem to me to be), this was the greatest and almost sole cause of
my inevitable error.
20. For hence I also believed evil to
be a similar sort of substance, and to be possessed of its own
foul and misshapen mass -whether dense, which they denominated
earth, or thin and subtle, as is the body of the air, which they
fancy some malignant spirit crawling through that earth. And
because a piety such as it was -compelled me to believe that
the good God never created any evil nature, I conceived two
masses, the one opposed to the other, both infinite, but the evil
the more contracted, the good the more expansive. And from this
mischievous commencement the other profanities followed on me.
For when my mind tried to revert to the Catholic faith, I was
cast back, since what I had held to be the Catholic faith was not
so. And it appeared to me more devout to look upon Thee, my God,
to whom i make confession of Thy mercies, as infinite, at
least, on other sides, although on that side where the mass of
evil was in opposition to Thee I was compelled to confess Thee
finite, that if on every side I should conceive Thee to be
confined by the form of a human body. And better did it seem to
me to believe that no evil had been created by Thee which to me
in my ignorance appeared not only some substance, but a bodily
one, because I had no conception of the mind excepting as a
subtle body, and that diffused in local spaces than to believe
that anything could emanate from Thee of such a kind as I
considered the nature of evil to be. And our very Saviour
Himself, also, Thine only-begotten, (2) I believed to have been
reached forth, as it were, for our salvation out of the lump of
Thy most effulgent mass, so as to believe nothing of Him but what
I was able to imagine in my vanity. Such a nature, then, I
thought could not be born of the Virgin Mary without being
mingled with the flesh; and how that which I had thus figured to
myself could be mingled without being contaminated, I saw not. I
was afraid, therefore, to believe Him to be born in the flesh,
lest I should be compelled to believe Him contaminated by the
flesh? Now will Thy spiritual ones blandly and lovingly smile at
me if they shall read these my confessions; yet such was I.
CHAP. XI. HELPIDIUS DISPUTED
WELL AGAINST THE MANICHAEANS AS TO THE AUTHENTICITY OF THE NEW
TESTAMENT.
21. Furthermore, whatever they had censured (4) in Thy
Scriptures I thought impossible to be defended; and yet
sometimes, indeed, I desired to confer on these several points
with some one well learned in those books, and to try what he
thought of them. For at this time the words of one Helpidius,
speaking and disputing face to face against the said Manichaeans,
had begun to move me even at Carthage, in that he brought forth
things from the Scriptures not easily withstood, to which their
answer appeared to me feeble. And this answer they did not give
forth publicly, but only to us in private, when they said that
the writings of the New Testament had been tampered with by I
know not whom, who were desirous of ingrafting the Jewish law
upon the Christian faith; but they themselves did not bring
forward any uncorrupted copies.' But I, thinking of corporeal
things, very much ensnared and in a measure stifled, was
oppressed by those masses; (7) panting under which for the breath
of Thy Truth, I was not able to breathe it pure and undefiled.
CHAP. XII. PROFESSING
RHETORIC AT ROME, HE DISCOVERS THE FRAUD OF HIS SCHOLARS.
22. Then began I assiduously to practise that for which I
came to Rome the teaching of rhetoric; and first to bring
together at my home some to whom, and through whom, I had begun
to be known; when, behold, I learnt that other offences were
committed in Rome which I had not to bear in Africa. For those
subvertings by abandoned young men were not practised here, as I
had been informed; yet, suddenly, said they, to evade paying
their master's fees, many of the youths conspire together, and
remove themselves to another, breakers of faith, who, for the
love of money, set a small value on justice. These also my heart
"hated," though not with a "perfect hatred ;" (8) for, perhaps, I
hated them more in that I was to suffer by them, than for the
illicit acts they committed. Such of a truth are base persons,
and they are unfaithful to Thee, loving these transitory
mockeries of temporal things, and vile gain, which begrimes the
hand that lays hold on it; and embracing the fleeting world, and
scorning Thee, who abidest, and invitest to return, and pardonest
the prostituted human soul when it returneth to Thee. And now I
hate such crooked and perverse men, although I love them if they
are to be corrected so as to prefer the learning they obtain to
money, and to learning. Thee, O God, the truth and fulness of
certain good and most chaste peace. But then was the wish
stronger in me for my own sake not to suffer them evil, than was
the wish that they should become good for Thine.
CHAP. XIII. HE IS SENT TO
MILAN, THAT HE, ABOUT TO TEACH RHETORIC, MAY BE KNOWN BY
AMBROSE.
23. When, therefore, they of Milan had sent to
Rome to the prefect of the city, to provide them with a teacher
of rhetoric for their city, and to despatch him at the public
expense, I made interest through those identical persons, drunk
with Manichaean vanities, to be freed from whom I was going away,
neither of us, however, being aware of it, that Symmachus, the
then prefect, having proved me by proposing a subject, would send
me. And to Milan I came, unto Ambrose the bishop, known to the
whole world as among the best of men, Thy devout servant; whose
eloquent discourse did at that time strenuously dispense unto Thy
people the flour of Thy wheat, the "gladness" of Thy "oil," and
the sober intoxication of Thy "wine." To him was I unknowingly
led by Thee, that by him I might knowingly be led to Thee. That
man of God received me like a father, and looked with a
benevolent and episcopal kindliness on my change of abode. And I
began to love him, not at first, indeed, as a teacher of the
truth, which I entirely despaired of in Thy Church, but as a
man friendly to myself. And I studiously hearkened to him
preaching to the people, not with the motive I should, but, as it
were, trying to discover whether his eloquence came up to the
fame thereof, or flowed fuller or lower than was asserted; and I
hung on his words intently, but of the matter I was but as a
careless and contemptuous spectator; and I was delighted with the
pleasantness of his speech, more erudite, yet less cheerful and
soothing in manner, than that of Faustus. Of the matter,
however, there could be no comparison; for the latter was
straying amid Manichaean deceptions, whilst the former was
teaching salvation most soundly. But "salvation is far from the
wicked," (2) such as I then stood before him; and yet I was
drawing nearer gradually and unconsciously.
CHAP. XIV. HAVING HEARD THE
BISHOP, HE PERCEIVES THE FORCE OF THE CATHOLIC FAITH, YET DOUBTS,
AFTER THE MANNER OF THE MODERN ACADEMICS.
24. For although I took no trouble to learn what he spake,
but only to hear how he spake (for that empty care alone remained
to me, despairing of a way accessible for man to Thee), yet,
together with the words which I prized, there came into my mind
also the things about which I was careless; for I could not
separate them. And whilst I opened my heart to admit "how
skilfully he spake," there also entered with it, but gradually,
"and how truly he spake !" For first, these things also had begun
to appear to me to be defensible; and the Catholic faith, for
which I had fancied nothing could be said against the attacks of
the Manichaeans, I now conceived might be maintained without
presumption; especially after I had heard one or two parts of the
Old Testament explained, and often allegorically which when I
accepted literally, I was "killed" spiritually. Many places,
then, of those books having been ex-pounded to me, I now blamed
my despair in having believed that no reply could be made to
those who hated and derided (4) the Law and the Prophets. Yet I
did not then see that for that reason the Catholic way was to be
held because it had its learned advocates, who could at length,
and not irrationally, answer objections; nor that what I held
ought therefore to be condemned because both sides were equally
defensible. For that way did not appear to me to be vanquished;
nor yet did it seem to me to be victorious.
25. Hereupon
did I earnestly bend my mind to see if in any way I could
possibly prove the Manichaeans guilty of falsehood. Could I have
realized a spiritual substance, all their strongholds would have
been beaten down, and cast utterly out of my mind; but I could
not. But vet, concerning the body of this world, and the whole
of nature, which the senses of the flesh can attain unto, I, now
more and more considering and comparing things, judged that the
greater part of the philosophers held much the more probable
opinions. So, then, after the manner of the Academics (as they
are supposed), (5) doubting of everything and fluctuating between
all, I decided that the Manichaeans were to be abandoned; judging
that, even while in that period of doubt, I could not remain in a
sect to which I preferred some of the philosophers; to which
philosophers, however, because they were without the saving name
of Christ, I utterly refused to commit the cure of my fainting
soul. I resolved, therefore, to be a catechumen (6) in the
Catholic Church, which my i parents had commended to me, until
something settled should manifest itself to me whither I might
steer my course.(7)
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