OF THE
SEVENTEENTH, EIGHTEENTH, AND NINETEENTH YEARS OF HIS AGE, PASSED
AT CARTHAGE, WHEN, HAVING COMPLETED HIS COURSE OF STUDIES, HE IS
CAUGHT IN THE SNARES OF A LICENTIOUS PASSION, AND FALLS INTO THE
ERRORS OF THE MANICHAEANS.
CHAP. I. DELUDED BY AN
INSANE LOVE, HE, THOUGH FOUL AND DISHONOURABLE, DESIRES TO BE
THOUGHT ELEGANT AND URBANE.
1. To Carthage I came, where a cauldron of unholy loves
bubbled up all around me. I loved not as yet I loved to love;
and with a hidden want, I abhorred myself that I wanted not. I
searched about for something to love, in love with loving, and
hating security, and a way not beset with snares. For within me
I had a dearth of that inward food, Thyself, my God, though that
dearth caused me no hunger; but I remained without all desire for
incorruptible food, not because I was already filled thereby, but
the more empty I was the more I loathed it. For this reason my
soul was far from well, and, full of ulcers, it miserably cast
itself forth, craving to be excited by contact with objects of
sense. Yet, had these no soul, they would not surely inspire
love. To love and to be loved was sweet to me, and all the more
when I succeeded in enjoying the person I loved. I befouled,
therefore, the spring of friendship with the filth of
concupiscence, and I dimmed its lustre with the hell of
lustfulness; and yet, foul and dishonourable as I was, I craved,
through an excess of vanity, to be thought elegant and urbane. I
fell precipitately, then, into the love in which I longed to be
ensnared. My God, my mercy, with how much bitterness didst Thou,
out of Thy infinite goodness, besprinkle for me that sweetness !
For I was both beloved, and secretly arrived at the bond of
enjoying; and was joyfully bound with troublesome ties, that I
might be scourged with the burning iron rods of jealousy,
suspicion, fear, anger, and strife.
CHAP. II. IN PUBLIC
SPECTACLES HE IS MOVED BY AN EMPTY COMPASSION. HE IS ATTACKED BY
A TROUBLESOME SPIRITUAL DISEASE.
2. Stage-plays also drew me away, full of representations of
my miseries and of fuel to my fire. Why does man like to be made
sad when viewing doleful and tragical scenes, which yet he
himself would by no means suffer ? And yet he wishes, as a
spectator, to experience from them a sense of grief, and in this
very grief his pleasure consists. What is this but wretched
insanity?" For a man is more effected with these actions, the
less free he is from such affections. Howsoever, when he suffers
in his own person, it is the custom to style it "misery but when
he compassionates others, then it is styled "mercy." But what
kind of mercy is it that arises from fictitious and scenic
passions ? The hearer is not expected to relieve, but merely
invited to grieve; and the more he grieves, the more he applauds
the actor of these fictions. And if the misfortunes of the
characters (whether of olden times or merely imaginary) be so
represented as not to touch the feelings of the spectator, he
goes away disgusted and censorious; but if his feelings be
touched, he sits it out attentively, and sheds tears of joy.
3. Are sorrows, then, also loved ? Surely all men desire to
rejoice ? Or, as man wishes to be miserable, is he, nevertheless,
glad to be merciful, which, because it cannot exist without
passion, for this cause alone are passions loved ? This also is
from that vein of friendship. But whither does it go? Whither
does it flow? Wherefore runs it into that torrent of pitch,
seething forth those huge tides of loathsome lusts into which it
is changed and transformed, being of its own will cast away and
corrupted from its celestial clearness ? Shall, then, mercy be
repudiated ? By no means. Let us, therefore, love sorrows
sometimes. But beware of uncleanness, O my soul, under the
protection of my God, the God of our fathers, who is to be
praised and exalted above all for ever, (4) beware of
uncleanness. For I have not now ceased to have compassion; but
then in the theatres I sympathized with lovers when they sinfully
enjoyed one another, although this was done fictitiously in the
play. And when they lost one another, I grieved with them, as if
pitying them, and yet had delight in both. But now-a-days I feel
much more pity for him that delighteth in his wickedness, than
for him who is counted as enduring hardships by failing to obtain
some pernicious pleasure, and the loss of some miserable
felicity. This, surely, is the truer mercy, but grief hath no
delight in it. For though he that condoles with the unhappy be
approved for his office of charity, yet would he who had real
compassion rather there were nothing for him to grieve about.
For if goodwill be ill-willed (which it cannot), then can he who
is truly and sincerely commiserating wish that there should be
some unhappy ones, that he might commiserate them. Some grief
may then be justified, none loved. For thus dost Thou, O Lord
God, who lovest souls far more purely than do we, and art more
incorruptibly compassionate, although Thou art wounded by no
sorrow."And who is sufficient for these things?"
4. But I,
wretched one, then loved to grieve, I and sought out what to
grieve at, as when, in another man's misery, though reigned and
counterfeited, that delivery of the actor best pleased me, and
attracted me the most powerfully, which moved me to tears. What
marvel was it that an unhappy sheep, straying from Thy flock, and
impatient of Thy care, I became infected with a foul disease ?
And hence came my love of griefs -not such as should probe me
too deeply, for I loved not to suffer such things as I loved to
look upon, but such as, when hearing their fictions, should
lightly affect the surface; upon which, like as with empoisoned
nails, followed burning, swelling, putrefaction, and horrible
corruption. Such was my life ! But was it life, O my God?
CHAP. III. NOT EVEN WHEN
AT CHURCH DOES HE SUPPRESS HIS DESIRES. IN THE SCHOOL OF RHETORIC
HE ABHORS THE ACTS OF THE SUBVERTERS.
5. And Thy faithful mercy hovered over me afar. Upon what
unseemly iniquities did I wear myself out, following a
sacrilegious curiosity, that, having deserted Thee, it might drag
me into the treacherous abyss, and to the beguiling obedience of
devils, unto whom I immolated my wicked deeds, and in all which
Thou didst scourge me ! I dared, even while Thy solemn rites were
being celebrated within the walls of Thy church, to desire, and
to plan a business sufficient to procure me the fruits of death;
for which Thou chastisedst me with grievous punishments, but
nothing in comparison with my fault, O Thou my greatest mercy, my
God, my refuge from those terrible hurts, among which I wandered
with presumptuous neck, receding farther from Thee, loving my own
ways, and not Thine loving a vagrant liberty.
6. Those
studies, also, which were accounted honourable, were directed
towards the courts of law; to excel in which, the more crafty I
was, the more I should be praised. Such is the blindness of men,
that they even glory in their blindness. And now I was head in
the School of Rhetoric, whereat I rejoiced proudly, and became
inflated with arrogance, though more sedate, O Lord, as Thou
knowest, and altogether removed from the subvertings of those
"subverters"(2) (for this stupid and diabolical name was held to
be the very brand of gallantry) amongst whom I lived, with an
impudent shamefacedness that I was not even as they were. And
with them I was, and at times I was delighted with their
friendship whose acts I ever abhorred, that is, their
"subverting," wherewith they insolently attacked the modesty of
strangers, which they disturbed by uncalled for jeers, gratifying
thereby their mischievous mirth. Nothing can more nearly
resemble the actions of devils than these. By what name,
therefore, could they be more truly called than "subverters "?
being themselves subverted first, and altogether perverted being
secretly mocked at and seduced by the deceiving spirits, in what
they themselves delight to jeer at and deceive others.
CHAP. IV. IN THE NINETEENTH
YEAR OF HIS AGE (HIS FATHER HAVING DIED TWO YEARS BEFORE) HE IS
LED BY THE "HORTENSIUS" OF CICERO TO "PHILOSOPHY," TO GOD, AND A
BETTER MODE OF THINKING.
7. Among such as these, at that unstable period of my life,
I studied books of eloquence, wherein I was eager to be eminent
from a damnable and inflated purpose, even a delight in human
vanity. In the ordinary course of study, I lighted upon a
certain book of Cicero, whose language, though not his heart,
almost all admire. This book of his contains an exhortation to
philosophy, and is called Hortensius. This book, in truth,
changed my affections, and turned my prayers to Thyself, O Lord,
and made me have other hopes and desires. Worthless suddenly
became every vain hope to me; and, with an incredible warmth of
heart, I yearned for an immortality of wisdom,(1) and began now
to arise (2) that I might return to Thee. Not, then, to improve
my language which I appeared to be purchasing with my mother's
means, in that my nineteenth year, my father having died two
years before not to improve my language did I have recourse to
that book; nor did it persuade me by its style, but its matter.
8. How ardent was I then, my God, how ardent to fly from
earthly things to Thee ! Nor did I know how Thou wouldst deal
with me. For with Thee is wisdom. In Greek the love of wisdom
is called "philosophy," with which that book inflamed me. There
be some who seduce through philosophy, under a great, and
alluring, and honourable name colouring ind adorning their own
errors. And almost all who in that and former times were such,
are in that book censured and pointed out. There is also
disclosed that most salutary admonition of Thy Spirit, by Thy
good and pious servant: "Beware lest any man spoil you through
philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the
rudiments of the world, and not after Christ: for in Him dwelleth
all the fellness of the Godhead bodily."(4) And since at that
time (as Thou, O Light of my heart, know-est) the words of the
apostle were unknown to me, I was delighted with that
exhortation, in so far only as I was thereby stimulated, and
enkindled, and inflamed to love, seek, obtain, hold, and embrace,
not this or that sect, but .wisdom itself, whatever it were; and
this alone checked me thus ardent, that the name of Christ was
not in it. For this name, according to Thy mercy, O Lord, this
name of my Saviour Thy Son, had my tender heart piously drunk in,
deeply treasured even with my mother's milk; and whatsoever was
without that name, though never so erudite, polished, and
truthful, took not complete hold of me.
CHAP. V. HE REJECTS THE
SACRED SCRIPTURES AS TOO SIMPLE, AND AS NOT TO BE COMPARED WITH
THE DIGNITY OF TULLY.
9. I resolved, therefore, to direct my mind to the Holy
Scriptures, that I might see what they were. And behold, I
perceive something not comprehended by the proud, not disclosed
to children, but lowly as you approach, sublime as you advance,
and veiled in mysteries; and I was not of the number of those who
could enter into it, or bend my neck to follow its steps. For
not as when now I speak did I feel when I tuned towards those
Scriptures, (6) but they appeared to me to be unworthy to be
compared with the dignity of Tully; for my inflated pride shunned
their style, nor could the sharpness of my wit pierce their inner
meaning. Yet, truly, were they such as would develope in little
ones; but I scorned to be a little one, and, swollen with pride,
I looked upon myself as a great one,
CHAP. VI. DECEIVED BY HIS
OWN FAULT, HE FALLS INTO THE ERRORS OF THE MANICHAEANS, WHO
GLORIED IN THE TRUE KNOWLEDGE OF GOD AND IN A THOROUGH
EXAMINATION OF THINGS.
10. Therefore I fell among men proudly raving, very carnal,
and voluble, in whose mouths were the snares of the devil the
birdlime being composed of a mixture of the syllables of Thy
name, and of our Lord Jesus Christ, and of the Paraclete, the
Holy Ghost, the Comforter.(7) These names departed not out of
their mouths, but so far forth as the sound only and the clatter
of the tongue, for the heart was empty of truth. Still they
cried, "Truth, Truth," and spoke much about it to me, "yet was it
not in them;' but they spake falsely not of Thee only who,
verily, art the Truth but also of these elements of this world,
Thy creatures. And I, in truth, should have passed by
philosophers, even when speaking truth concerning them, for love
of Thee, my Father, supremely good, beauty of all things
beautiful. O Truth, Truth! how inwardly even then did the
marrow of my soul pant after Thee, when they frequently, and in a
multiplicity of ways, and in numerous and huge books, sounded out
Thy name to me, though it was but a voice!x And these were the
dishes in which to me, hungering for Thee, they, instead of Thee,
served up the sun and moon, Thy beauteous works but yet Thy
works, not Thyself, nay, nor Thy first works. For before these
corporeal works are Thy spiritual ones, celestial and shining
though they be. But I hungered and thirsted not even after those
first works of Thine, but after Thee Thyself, the Truth, "with
whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning ;" yet they
still served up to me in those dishes glowing phantasies, than
which better were it to love this very sun (which, at least, is
true to our sight), than those illusions which deceive the mind
through the eye. And yet, because I supposed them to be Thee, I
fed upon them; not with avidity, for Thou didst not taste to my
mouth as Thou art, for Thou wast not these empty fictions;
neither was I nourished by them, but the rather exhausted. Food
in our sleep appears like our food awake; yet the sleepers are
not nourished by it, for they are asleep. But those things were
not in any way like unto Thee as Thou hast now spoken unto me, in
that those were corporeal phantasies, false bodies, than which
these true bodies, whether celestial or terrestrial, which we
perceive with our fleshly sight, are much more certain. These
things the very beasts and birds perceive as well as we, and they
are more certain than when we imagine them. And again, we do
with more certainty imagine them, than by them conceive of other
greater and infinite bodies which have no existence. With such
empty husks was I then fed, and was not fed. But Thou, my Love,
in looking for whom I! fails that I may be strong, art neither
those bodies that we see, although in heaven, nor art Thou those
which we see not there; for Thou hast created them, nor dost Thou
reckon them amongst Thy greatest works. How far, then, art Thou
from those phantasies of mine, phantasies of bodies which are not
at all, than which the images of those bodies which are, are more
certain, and still more certain the bodies themselves, which yet
Thou art not; nay, nor yet the soul, which is the life of the
bodies. Better, then, and more certain is the life of bodies
than the bodies themselves. But Thou art the life of souls, the
life of lives, having life in Thyself; and Thou changest not, O
Life of my soul.
11. Where, then, weft Thou then to me, and
how far from me ? Far, indeed, was I wandering away from Thee,
being even shut out from the very husks of the swine, whom with
husks I fed? For how much better, then, are the fables of the
grammarians and poets than these snares l For verses, and poems,
and Medea flying, are more profitable truly than these men's five
elements, variously painted, to answer to the five caves of
darkness, (5) none of which exist, and which slay the believer.
For verses and poems I can turn into (6) true food, but the
"Medea flying," though I sang, I maintained it not; though I
heard it sung, I believed it not; but those things I did believe.
Woe, woe, by what steps was I dragged down "to the depths of hell
! "T toiling and turmoiling through want of Truth, when I sought
after Thee, my God, to Thee I confess it, who hadst mercy on me
when I had not yet confessed, sought after Thee not according to
the understanding of the mind, in which Thou desiredst that I
should excel the beasts, but according to the sense of the flesh!
Thou wert more inward to me than my most inward part; and higher
than my highest. I came upon that bold woman, who "is simple,
and knoweth nothing," (6) the enigma of Solomon, sitting "at the
door of the house on a seat," and saying, "Stolen waters are
sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant." (9) This woman
seduced me, because she found my soul beyond its portals,
dwelling in the eye of my flesh, and thinking on such food as
through it I had devoured.
CHAP. VII. HE ATTACKS THE
DOCTRINE OF THE MANICHAEANS CONCERNING EVIL, GOD, AND THE
RIGHTEOUSNESS OF THE PATRIARCHS.
12. For I was ignorant as to that which really is, and was,
as it were, violently moved to give my support to foolish
deceivers, when they asked me, "Whence is evil?"(1) and, "Is
God limited by a bodily shape, and has He hairs and nails?" and,
"Are they to be esteemed righteous who had many wives at once and
did kill men, and sacrificed living creatures?"(2) At which
things I, in my ignorance, was much disturbed, and, retreating
from the truth, I appeared to myself to be going towards it;
because as yet I knew not that evil was naught but a privation of
good, until in the end it ceases altogether to be; which how
should I see, the sight of whose eyes saw no further than bodies,
and of my mind no further than a phantasm ? And I knew not God to
be a Spirit,a not one who hath parts extended in length and
breadth, nor whose being was bulk; for every bulk is less in a
part than in the whole, and, if it be infinite, it must be less
in such part as is limited by a certain space than in its
infinity; and cannot be wholly everywhere, as Spirit, as God is.
And what that should be in us, by which we were like unto God,
and might rightly in Scripture be said to be after "the image of
God,"' I was entirely ignorant.
13. Nor had I knowledge of
that true inner righteousness, which doth not judge according to
custom, but out of the most perfect law of God Almighty, by which
the manners of places and times were adapted to those places and
times being itself the while the same always and everywhere, not
one thing in one place, and another in another; according to
which Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob, and Moses, and David, and
all those commended by the mouth of God were righteous, (5) but
were judged unrighteous by foolish men, judging out of man's
judgment, and gauging by the petty standard of their own manners
the manners of the whole human race. Like as if in an armoury,
one knowing not what were adapted to the several members should
put greaves on his head, or boot himself with a helmet, and then
complain because they would not fit. Or as if, on some day when
in the afternoon business was forbidden, one were to fume at not
being allowed to sell as it was lawful to him in the forenoon.
Or when in some house he sees a servant take something in his
hand which the butler is not permitted to touch, or something
done behind a stable which would be prohibited in the dining-
room, and should be indignant that in one house, and one family,
the same !thing is not distributed everywhere to all. Such are
they who cannot endure to hear something to have been lawful for
righteous men in former times which is not so now; or that God,
for certain temporal reasons, commanded them one thing, and these
another, but both obeying the same righteousness; though they
see, in one man, one day, and one house, different things to be
fit for different members, and a thing which was formerly lawful
after a time unlawful that permitted or commanded in one
corner, which done in another is justly prohibited and punished.
Is justice, then, various and changeable? Nay, but the times
over which she presides are not all alike, because they are
times? But men, whose days upon the earth are few, because by
their own perception they cannot harmonize the causes of former
ages and other nations, of which they had no experience, with
these of which they have experience, though in one and the same
body, day, or family, they can readily see what is suitable for
each member, season, part, and person to the one they take
exception, to the other they submit.
14. These things I
then knew not, nor observed. They met my eyes on every side, and
I saw them not. I composed poems, in which it was not permitted
me to place every foot everywhere, but in one metre one way, and
in another, nor even in any one verse the same foot in all
places. Yet the art itself by which I composed had not different
principles for these different cases, but comprised all in one.
Still I saw not how that righteousness, which good and holy men
submitted to, far more excellently and sublimely comprehended in
one all those things which God commanded, and in no part varied,
though in varying times it did not prescribe all things at once,
but distributed and enjoined what was proper for each. And I,
being blind, blamed those pious fathers, not only for making use
of present things as God commanded and inspired them to do, but
also for foreshowing things to come as God was revealing them.1
CHAP. VIII. HE ARGUES
AGAINST THE SAME AS TO THE REASON OF OFFENCES.
15. Can it at any time or place be an unrighteous thing for
a man to love God with all his Mart, with all his soul, and with
all his mind, and his neighbour as himself?(2) Therefore those
offences which be contrary to nature are everywhere and at all
times to be held in detestation and punished; such were those of
the Sodomites, which should all nations commit, they should all
be held guilty of the same crime by the divine law, which hath
not so made men that they should in that way abuse one another.
For even that fellowship which should be between God and us is
violated, when that same nature of which He is author is polluted
by the perversity of lust. But those offences which are contrary
to the customs of men are to be avoided according to the customs
severally prevailing; so that an agreement made, and confirmed by
custom or law of any city or nation, may not be violated at the
lawless pleasure of any, whether citizen or stranger. For any
part which is not consistent with its whole is unseemly. But
when God commands anything contrary to the customs or compacts of
any nation to be done, though it were never done by them before,
it is to be done; and if intermitted it is to be restored, and,
if never established, to be established. For if it be lawful for
a king, in the state over which he reigns, to command that which
neither he himself nor any one before him had commanded, and to
obey him cannot be held to be inimical to the public interest,
nay, it were so if he were not obeyed (for obedience to princes
is a general compact of human society), how much more, then,
ought we unhesitatingly to obey God, the Governor of all His
creatures! For as among the authorities of human society the
greater authority is obeyed before the lesser, so must God above
all.
16. So also in deeds of violence, where there is a
desire to harm, whether by contumely or injury; and both of these
either by reason of revenge, as one enemy against another; or to
obtain some advantage over another, as the highwayman to the
traveller; or for the avoiding of some evil, as with him who is
in fear of another; or through envy, as the unfortunate man to
one who is happy; or as he that is prosperous in anything to him
who he fears will become equal to himself, or whose equality he
grieves at; or for the mere pleasure in another's pains, as the
spectators of gladiators, or the deriders and mockers of others.
These be the chief iniquities which spring forth from the lust of
the flesh, of the eye, and of power, whether singly, or t,no
together, or all at once. And so do men live in opposition to
the three and seven, that psaltery "of ten strings,"(3) Thy ten
commandments, O God most high and most sweet. But what foul
offences can there be against Thee who canst not be defiled? Or
what deeds of violence against thee who canst not be harmed? But
Thou avengest that which men perpetrate against themselves,
seeing also that when they sin against Thee, they do wickedly
against their own souls; and iniquity gives itself the lie,
either by corrupting or perverting their nature, which Thou hast
made and ordained, or by an !immoderate use of things permitted,
or in "burning" in things forbidden to that use which is against
nature; or when convicted, raging with heart and voice against
Thee, kicking against the pricks; (6) or when, breaking through
the pale of. human society, they audaciously rejoice in private
combinations or divisions, according as they have been pleased or
offended. And these things are done whenever Thou art forsaken,
O Fountain of Life, who art the only and true Creator and Ruler
of the universe, and by a self-willed pride any one false thing
is selected therefrom and loved. So, then, by a humble piety we
return to Thee; and thou purgest us from our evil customs, and
art merciful unto the sins of those who confess unto Thee, and
dost "hear the groaning of the prisoner,"(7) and dost loosen us
from those fetters which we have forged for ourselves, if we lift
not up against Thee the horns of a false liberty, losing all
through craving more, by loving more our own private good than
Thee, the good of all.
CHAP. IX. THAT THE
JUDGMENT OF GOD AND MEN AS TO HUMAN ACTS OF VIOLENCE, IS
DIFFERENT.
17. But amidst these offences of infamy and violence, and so
many iniquities, are the sins of men who are, on the whole,
making progress; which, by those who judge rightly, and after the
rule of perfection, are censured, yet commended withal, upon the
hope of bearing fruit, like as in the green blade of the growing
corn. And there are some which resemble offences of infamy or
violence, and yet are not sins, because they neither offend Thee,
our Lord God, nor social custom: when, for example, things
suitable for the times are provided for the use of life, and we
are uncertain whether it be out of a lust of having; or when acts
are punished by constituted authority for the sake of correction,
and we are uncertain whether it be out of a lust of hurting.
Many a deed, then, which in the sight of men is disapproved, is
approved by Thy testimony; and many a one who is praised by men
is, Thou being witness, condemned; because frequently the view of
the deed, and the mind of the doer, and the hidden exigency of
the period, severally vary. But when Thou unexpectedly
commandest an unusual and unthought-of thing yea, even if Thou
hast formerly forbidden it, and still for the time keepest secret
the reason of Thy command, and it even be contrary to the
ordinance of some society of men, who doubts but it is to be
done, inasmuch as that society is righteous which serves Thee?
But blessed are they who know Thy commands I For all things were
done by them who served Thee either to exhibit something
necessary at the time, or to foreshow things to come.2
CHAP. X. HE REPROVES THE
TRIFLINGS OF THE MANICHAEANS AS TO THE FRUITS OF THE EARTH.
18. These things being ignorant of, I derided those holy
servants and prophets of Thine. And what did I gain by deriding
them but to be derided by Thee, being insensibly, and little by
little, led on to those follies, as to credit that a fig-tree
wept when it was plucked, and that the mother-tree shed milky
tears? Which fig notwithstanding, plucked not by his own but
another's wickedness, had some "saint" eaten and mingled with his
entrails, he should breathe out of it angels; yea, in his prayers
he shall assuredly groan and sigh forth particles of God, which
particles of the most high and true God should have remained
bound in that fig unless they had been set free by the teeth and
belly of some "elect saint"! (4) And I, miserable one, believed
that more mercy was to be shown to the fruits of the earth than
unto men, for whom they were created; for if a hungry man who
was not a Manichaean should beg for any, that morsel which
should be given him would appear, as it were, condemned to
capital punishment.
CHAP. XI. HE REFERS TO
THE TEARS, AND THE MEMORABLE DREAM CONCERNING HER SON, GRANTED BY
GOD TO HIS MOTHER.
19. And Thou sendedst Thine hand from above,(6) and drewest
my soul out of that profound darkness, when my mother, Thy
faithful one, wept to thee on my behalf more than mothers are
wont to weep the bodily death of their children. For she saw
that I was dead by that faith and spirit which she had from Thee,
and Thou heardest her, O Lord. Thou heardest her, and despisedst
not her tears, when, pouring down, they watered the earth under
her eyes in every place where she prayed; yea, Thou heardest her.
For whence was that dream with which Thou consoledst her, so that
she permitted me to live with her, and to have my meals at the
same table in the house, which she had begun to avoid, hating and
detesting the blasphemies of my error? For she saw herself
standing on a certain wooden rule, (8) and a bright youth
advancing towards her, joyous and smiling upon her, whilst she
was grieving and bowed down with sorrow. But he having inquired
of her the cause of her sorrow and daily weeping (he wishing to
teach, as is their wont, and not to be taught), and she answering
that it was my perdition she was lamenting, he bade her rest
contented, and told her to behold and see "that where she was,
there was I also." And when she looked she saw me standing near
her on the same rule. Whence was this, unless that Thine ears
were inclined towards her heart? O Thou Good Omnipotent, who so
carest for every one of us as if Thou caredst for him only, and
so for all as if they were but one !
20. Whence was this,
also, that when she had narrated this vision to me, and I tried
to put this construction on it, "That she rather should not
despair of being some day what I was," she immediately, without
hesitation, replied, "No; for it was not told me that where he
is, there shalt thou be," but "where thou art, there shall he
be"? I confess to Thee, O Lord, that, to the best of my
remembrance (and I have oft spoken of this), Thy answer through
my watchful mother that she was not disquieted by the
speciousness of my false interpretation, and saw in a moment what
was to be seen, and which I myself had not in truth perceived
before she spoke even then moved me more than the dream
itself, by which the happiness to that pious woman, to be
realized so long after, was, for the alleviation of her present
anxiety, so long before predicted. You nearly nine years passed
in which I wallowed in the slime of that deep pit and the
darkness of falsehood, striving often to rise, but being all the
more heavily dashed down. But yet that chaste, pious, and sober
widow (such as Thou lovest), now more buoyed up with hope, though
no whir less zealous in her weeping and mourning, desisted not,
at all the hours of her supplications, to bewail my case unto
Thee. And her prayers entered into Thy presence, and yet Thou
didst still suffer me to be involved and re-involved in that
darkness.
CHAP. XII. THE EXCELLENT
ANSWER OF THE BISHOP WHEN REFERRED TO BY HIS MOTHER AS TO THE
CONVERSION OF HER SON.
21. And meanwhile Thou grantedst her another answer, which I
recall; for much I pass over, hastening on to those things which
the more strongly impel me to confess unto Thee, and much I do
not remember. Thou didst grant her then another answer, by a
priest of Thine, a certain bishop, reared in Thy Church and well
versed in Thy books. He, when this woman had entreated that he
would vouchsafe to have some talk with me, refute my errors,
unteach me evil things, and teach me good (for this he was in the
habit of doing when he found people fitted to receive it),
refused, very prudently, as I afterwards came to see. For he
answered that I was still unteachable, being inflated with the.e
novelty of that heresy, and that I had already perplexed divers
inexperienced persons with vexatious questions, (2) as she had
informed him. "But leave him alone for a time," saith he, "only
pray God for him; he will of himself, by reading, discover what
that error is, and how great its impiety." He disclosed to her
at the same time how he himself, when a little one, had, by his
misguided mother, been given over to the Manichaeans, and had not
only read, but even written out almost all their books, and had
come to see (without argument or proof from any one) how much
that sect was to be shunned, and had shunned it. Which when he
had said, and she would not be satisfied, but repeated more
earnestly her entreaties, shedding copious tears, that he would
see and discourse with me, he, a little vexed at her importunity,
exclaimed, "Go thy way, and God bless thee, for it is not
possible that the son of these tears should perish." Which
answer (as she often mentioned in her conversations with me) she
accepted as though it were a voice from heaven.
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